what she taught me

She loved sunflowers, corny jokes, and being with her family.  She didn't ask for extravagant vacations, a stunning home or a glamorous life.  She just wanted to spend time around the ones she loved.  She would drop anything and everything to see her grandkids and her face would light up whenever she was with them.  

She instilled in all of us a love for the holidays.  And she instilled in me a love for crafting.  She taught us to be kind to others, to show respect.  She led by example, always showing up when we needed her.  

She was strong.  She believed in us.  She told us how much she loved us.  And would always cook our favorite meal for our birthdays.  Her gifts were thoughtful.  Her heart was expansive.  She cared deeply and wanted to see us all do well.  

My favorite memories are those where we were laughing over the silliest of things.  This usually occurred when we were crafting together.  We did this often, and those memories are tucked deep into my heart.  

Not a day goes by when I do not think of her.  Her, who taught me to spread my wings and fly. Her who loved sunflowers and sunshine.  Her who always had music playing in the house.  Her who is with me every single day.  I carry her around now, showing her the world from my eyes.  

braving the blues

It is this time of year where I feel a few steps behind everyone.  With the day's falling into darkness sooner than I am ready I seem to lose my footing.  The world spins on and I do not know how to keep up.  It is the darkness that drags me down.  

I remember when I started my first office job.  I was coming from the restaurant world where my hours were very different.  I worked mostly at night and had the day time to soak in sunshine and fresh air.  That first year at this job was one of my toughest.  I struggled to adjust to this new normal of leaving for work in the dark and coming home when it is dark.  The sunshine rarely found it's way to my face.  

It is during these dark months that I just want to curl up into bed as soon as I get home from work.  I lose my motivation and I know it is all due to the darkness.  I am a sunshine girl.  It is the sun that makes me smile and draws me out into the world.  I need the sun as it breaths life into me.  

Last year I put a plan into place to stay ahead of the struggle by listing out ten ways to help me brave the blues.  I also showed up throughout these months on instagram with the hashtag #bravingthblues.  Doing this helped me find the light within the darkness.  

We just changed the clocks this past Sunday and I can already feel myself sinking down the rabbit hole.  With the passing of my mom I know that this winter will be tougher than usual and I will need to find different ways to help push me out of the blues.  

During these darker days I am going to try to:

• Exercise daily
• Send snail mail
• Write often
• Push myself out of the house
• Give myself permission to rest

I often try to do to much.  Rushing from one thing to the next.  I need to slow down.  Allow my mind and body time to rest and rejuvenate.  

I invite you to slow down with me.  To utilize #bravingtheblues and show how you are not letting the darkness win.  Going through a difficult time is always easier when you are doing it with others and know you aren't alone.  So jump on in.  Together we will make it through the winter blues.  

this moment

It was my first birthday without my mom.  A day I wasn't prepared for.  A day I didn't think would come soon.  I was surrounded by family and friends traveling through a city that was filled with excitement and energy.  Thirteen of us trekked around NYC cheering on my uncle as he ran the NYC Marathon in honor of my mom and his father in law.  

It was just last year that my mom was a part of this adventure.  Traversing the subway system, waving her pom pom wildly, and proudly cheering me on as I ran 26.2.  It was one of the best days of my life.  I felt like the city was mine and each time I saw my family and friends on the route cheering, waving, screaming, I knew that I was going to be able to make it all the way to the finish line.  They gave me energy to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  

I still remember vividly seeing everyone waiting for me on the corner after I had finished.  I was making my way through a sea of people on the crowded NYC streets.  When they spotted me they began to cheer wildly.  The look on my mom's face was priceless.  She was beaming with pride.    

So much has changed since that day.  So much that I never ever expected to change.  My Mom didn't tell all of us she had breast cancer until after the marathon.  She didn't want me to worry when I had such a big event coming up.  Looking back now we all know that she was much sicker than just breast cancer.  Yet she was there cheering, beaming, passing me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  She was there every step of the way.  

Even though she wasn't physically at the marathon this year she was definitely there in spirit.  I just know that she was cheering from up above.  I spotted many feathers throughout the city and in honor of my mom my uncle ran with a couple of feathers tucked into his sleeve.  It was an incredibly sweet gesture.  

I still can't believe she is gone.  My heart is shattered but i know her spirit is within me.  I cherish the memories and hold onto them tightly.  So much can change in such a short amount of time.  So much that you never expect to change.  Savor the moments.  Love boldly.  Live wildly.  

claim your space

What if it was easy
If you didn’t have to struggle to get it done
If it felt good and real

What if you did it your way
If you showed up exactly as you are
Giving it your all

What if you choose your path
Carved it yourself
And invited those you desire to walk with you

What if you gave up
Put down the idea, let go of the expectations
Threw in the towel because it was no longer calling to you

What if you spoke from the heart
Said the words you really have been wanting to say
Letting go of worrying what others thought

What if you choose today to begin
To truly say yes
And dive right in

What if you followed your heart
Listened deeply to what you desire
And made those desires your priority

As far as I know you only have one precious life to live and you are the author of this life
Where do you want your story to go? 
How do you want to feel each day? 
Where do you want to show up? 
What do you want to hold onto and what do you want to let go of? 

You invite in the energy that surrounds you
What if you choose to invite in happiness, all the time!
What if you let go of the negative souls that are dragging you down?
How would that shift your moments?

What if you stepped boldly into the life you want to live?
Where would you be standing?
Who would you be with?

It is never too late to begin
And today is as good a day as any
Do not wait a second longer to claim your space in this world

being ok with saying no

I tend to over commit.  To say yes when I really should be saying no.  I carve out time to do things with friends and family, and it is lovely and divine, but it does not leave me much time to do the things that I want to do.  Like read, write, practice yoga, sit on the front porch and watch the day pass by.  

I am an introvert.  I need time to process.  Time to be alone.  Quiet moments to allow my mind space to rest and be restored.  Having a balance between this quiet and the activities with others is hard for me to do.  I put others first not wanting to disappoint.  I say yes when I really deeply am feeling no.  I think of others and do not consider how it is physically draining me.  

I fill my calendar with things to do but never carve out dedicated time just for me.  I push myself to the limits, constantly on the go until my body forces me to slow down.  This isn't good for me or for others.  When I do not take time for me I do not show up as my best self.  I am tired, quiet, and not really there.  

This is something that I know needs to be adjusted.  If I keep going at this pace I will lose who I am and I do not want to do that.  I want to balance my time and in order to do that I must make myself a priority.  I need to recognize when I am pulling myself thin and I say no when I feel it, even if I think I am disappointing someone.  

Saying no isn't easy.  It take courage.  The realization that you may miss out on something.  And knowing that you will inevitably disappoint someone.  But it is needed to stay whole, to be fully present when you are with someone, and to allow yourself space to rest.  

I am going to take a look at my calendar and intentionally carve out time for me.  I am going to write it in ink and follow through as if it was a commitment with another.  I will hold myself accountable.  And when I have this time I will not use i watching tv or getting sunk down the rabbit hole of social media.  I will be intentional and do what feeds me.  

Do you struggle with saying no?  What could you put in place to help you? Please share in the comments as what you do may be a huge help for someone else.  

where I stand

It is here where I stand
My feet are steady
I do not know where my next step will lead me
But I feel confident to take it

It is here where I stand
Open to all this world has to offer
The brilliant highs and the deepest lows
All of them fill me up

It here where I stand
Ready for anything
I am on an incredible adventure
And I want to savor every moment of it

It here where I stand
Today
But tomorrow I may be someplace else
For that is the beauty of choice

You always have a choice
To stay, to go
To linger on the outskirts
Or dive right in full force

Yes, it is up to you how brightly you want to shine
Do you wear your heart on your sleeve
Or stand just beneath the shadows
How does it make you feel?

Take today to examine where you stand
Feel the moment
Savor the preciousness of this time
Then when you are ready, take your next step