healing happens

Grief has a way of knocking you to your feet and making you feel like you will never be able to stand again.  It is paralyzing and deep.  You lose track of which way is up and which is down.  The darkness closes in and you forget what the light feels like. 

Grief has this way of taking over. 

When my mom passed I fell down the rabbit hole of grief and I never thought I would be able climb my way out.  My heart physically hurt and a constant stream of tears fell from my eyes.  It was a pain that I thought no one could heal.

Over time healing happens.  

In moments that you least expect it arrives gently.  A hand reaching out to hold yours.  Sitting with a friend and spilling your heart open. Gathering with family.  The sound of the ocean waves.  Finding feathers.  Seeing signs of her all around. 

Healing seeps into your heart and soul.  It reminds you that you are ok.  That you can make it through this.  That yes it hurts, and always will, but you can still keep stepping forward.  You can feel the sunshine on your skin and enjoy it. She would want you to do just that.   

we accomplish more together

Running is a  solitary adventure but you do not have to do it alone.  In fact you can accomplish great things when you do it with others. 

I learned this lesson in a big way this weekend at my very first Fred's Team Training run.  When I trained for the marathon in 2014 I did all of my running solo.  I figured others were faster, stronger, and more experienced than I was.  Plus I used the excuse that I enjoy solitude to keep my running between me and the road.  

But one thing I know for certain is that in order for me to grow and expand I must step outside of my comfort zone and give new things a try.  

So I took a leap and signed up for a training run with Fred's Team on Governors Island.  I had no idea what to expect and did not know another person going but I knew I had to give this a try and trust that it would all work out.  

The run was scheduled to be eleven miles.  Prior to this run the most I have gone during this training is seven miles.  Running eleven with strangers in a place I have never been to felt a bit terrifying.  What if I wasn't able to make it eleven miles?  What if I had one of those running days where my legs felt heavy and all my mind told me to do was stop?  What if I miss the ferry?  What if ... what if ... what if?  I could have made up a million what if scenarios but I knew no matter what, even in the face of this what if fear that I was going to lace up my sneakers and go to this run.  

Governors Island is two miles around and provides spectacular views of the statue of liberty and NYC.  The plan was to run five laps and a little bit more to reach eleven miles.  There was no pressure to run fast only an incredible amount of encouragement to keep on going.

Runners cheered for one another as they passed.  The water stop provided not only a place to re hydrate your body but a chance to fuel your mind with motivation.  High fives were given as game plans for the next lap were discussed and there was never any judgment about what pace you were running.  You were encouraged to listen to your body.  

Some individuals ran together and others on their own.  I ran on my own and still felt deeply connected to the group.  Prior to starting running eleven miles felt like it was going to be insurmountable but being with others who were also stepping up to the challenge and cheering each other on kept me going.  I ended up crushing eleven miles and running a little over twelve.  

Had I attempted this run on my own it would have been a completely different experience.  My mind would have jumped in screaming at me to stop.  I would have counted down each lap with complete dread.  I wouldn't have been on Govern's Island.  I wouldn't have seen amazing new sites  and had the chance to explore all new ground.  It would have felt monotonous and  may have even been a struggle.  

I am grateful for the opportunity to run with Fred's Team.  It provides me with the not only the opportunity to raise money for cancer research at Sloan Memorial Hospital but also the opportunity to push myself further than I ever thought I could go.  I am so glad I took the leap and went on this training run.  It has taught me to keep stepping outside of my comfort zone, to try new things, and to allow myself to be seen by strangers.  

Together we accomplish so much more!  

I invite you to join me in the fight against cancer and help me reach my fundraising goal as i run in memory of my mom at this years NYC Marathon on Fred's Team.  Donate today and learn more about my story here.  

you are enough

Know that wherever you are standing
Right in this very moment
That you are exactly where you are meant to be

Right here
Right now

The dishes may be piled up
The laundry may still be waiting to be done
Your hair may not even be brushed

But that is okay
Because Y.O.U.
Exactly as you are
Are enough

When you are deep in the trenches
Or celebrating a milestone

When tears of sadness are pouring from your eyes
Or you are smiling wide

Through all the emotions of life
You are enough
Just as you are
In that moment

Never forget that

And if you ever need a gentle reminder
Just let me know
I will shout it from the rooftop
Or write it in the sky
Just to ensure you hear and see it

 ~ Do something today to celebrate you ~

{this post was written on this day in 2010.  I needed to hear these words this morning and thought that you might need them to}

morning on the dock

One of the most magical things about Squam Arts Workshops is gathering on the dock after a day of creating.  The dock provides a safe haven to share your stories from the day and do a bit of show and tell on what you created.  It is a place where hearts open up, light shines through, and you are seen for exactly who you are.  It is a place of love and expansion and one of the best places to gather.  

Since it is not possible to gather on the dock every single day Elizabeth Duvivier {founder of Squam} has found a way to bring these conversations and space to wherever it is you are in this moment.  I am grateful to have had the opportunity to chat with Elizabeth for her weekly podcast Morning on the Dock.  We chat about he Love Notes Postcard Project, writing, running, and navigating the grief after losing my mom last year.  

I invite you to grab a cup of tea  and settle in for a little bit of heart opening conversation.  

feeling all the feelings

It has been a year since my mom passed and all of the emotions and feelings that have run through me since then have been of deep sadness for losing her.  My heart heavy.  My mind in complete disbelief.  There are moments when it still doesn't feel real.  

And then today as I sat down at my desk a new feeling bubbled up.  Above my computer are photos of her and in each of those photos she is filled with so much life, love, and happiness.  I can see it in the way she holds her grandson, the bright smile on her face as she sits with her sister-in-law and daughter-in-law, and how happy she is to be surrounded by her family.  

Seeing her so alive made me feel angry that she had passed.  She was taken to soon, a few days shy of her 60th birthday.  We had a surprise party planned for her and then she got sick.  It all happened so quickly.  It wasn't supposed to be like this.  She was supposed to get old and cranky and drive me crazy.  

Even though it is inevitable I never once thought about a time when my mom wouldn't be here.  Her spirit so young and alive.  Her heart so open.  It doesn't feel fair that she was taken.  She still had so much love to give, especially to her grand kids who she absolutely adored.

Inside me the anger swirls.  I want to know why but I also know that is an impossible question to answer.  We never know why one thing happens over another.  All we can do is learn how to live within the confines of the new "normal".   

It doesn't seem fair.  It doesn't seem right.  It breaks my heart into a million pieces.  Through the anger I try to collect the pieces of my heart and remember the moments, the laughter, the jokes, the time spent together.  

I think I am going to be here forever, but truth is I do not know when it is my time to leave.  It is something I have absolutely no control over.  I plan for the future.  I run from one thing to the next.  I hurry to get it all done.  But through the chaos I know that I  must slow down and savor the moments.  

I need to  take in the beauty that is around me and appreciate the love that I am shown.  For these are the tiny moments that create my life.  There will be a mixture of emotions each and every day for this is all part of being alive.  I need to recognize and feel these emotions but I also need to feel the moment I am in.  

I will stand holding the anger but also holding love.  Without so much love there wouldn't be anger for what was lost.  And one thing is for certain, I am so grateful for the moments I had.  

there is something about mothers

Today I would also like to share with you the words that I spoke at my mom's service. 

As mother and daughters tend to do my mom and I did not always have the best relationship.  But as I got older and out of adolescence our relationship blossomed into a beautiful friendship. 

My mom taught me so much and I am love seeing her in so many of the things I do.  It reminds me that she is always with me. 

Here are the words I spoke at her service:  there is something about mother's

what will you make of it

This life has a way of unfolding in ways we never imagined
It is beautiful and heartbreaking
Lonely and filled with love
It is an incredible journey
With each step we take we never know where we are going to end up
You start in one place but you end up finding yourself someone where else
A place you never imagined
A place you couldn't even have dreamed up because you didn't know of it's possibility
Yes life - it is a grand adventure or nothing at all
It is what you make of it

What will you make of your life?