Since losing my mom four years ago Mother’s Day has become a reminder that time with our loved ones is finite. We never know when the day will come that we have to say your final goodbye to someone we adore. Either you will have to say goodbye to someone you love or they to you. It is inevitable.
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Dear Mom,
Three years ago you left to walk a different path. It was all so sudden and unexpected. One minute you were given a clean bill of health and in the next moment cancer had consumed your entire body. You fought incredibly hard and were courageous beyond words. Even in your final days you never stopped mothering us. Telling us to not spend so much time at the hospital; "you have lives to live" you had said. But there was no other place we wanted to be but by your side.
You now watch over us and send signs to let us know you are there. Each time a sign is received it is a ripple effect of emotion and we all feel the love. Right before we were about to go on the boat to visit the spot we spread your ashes Father found the tiniest of feathers. It warmed our hearts deeply.
You should see the feather collection I have accumulated. Always at the perfect moment I find one and it brings a smile to my face. I think about you everyday and am grateful for the conversations we have in the pages of my notebook. You help guide me forward. Even though you are not here in person your spirit is still strong and vibrant in my heart.
We continued our yearly tradition of gathering together to celebrate you. Of course it was at your favorite spot, the beach. What a gift you have given us in your passing. You have made us all appreciate the importance of family and take time to spend with one another. This weekend together is a blessing and we all feel you right there with us.
Some of us headed out to where we spread your ashes to drop sunflowers into the water. You would love the way they float on top of the sea. It is such a beautiful site to watch them drifting. While we were out there they were getting ready for a sailboat competition. I remember you always saying you dreamed of owning a sailboat.
We then spent the day swimming, laughing, enjoying each others company, and eating delicious food. The kids also shared the Grandma June memories books they have made using all of your scrapbooking things. These little books hold so much love and bring back so many incredible memories.
At sunset we all gathered at the end of the dock to toss more sunflowers into the river and blow you a kiss. I still remember standing in the funeral home linked arm in arm and Father asking us all to blow you a kiss from the grandkids. It was wonderful being together and watching the sunflowers drift. This year they took right off towards the canal. Maybe they were headed to Chadwick Island.
We all miss you so much. Thank you for making us strong enough to get through this. Thank you for always watching over. Thank you for teaching us that family is everything and sharing is caring. You are forever in our hearts.
Sending you so much love!
Love,
Jennifer
When my mom was really sick I remember standing in line at the coffee shop in a complete daze. The world was spinning around me and everyone was moving at a rapid pace; the same pace I used to move in before I heard the words stage four cancer. On the outside it may have looked like I had it all together, but on the inside I was crumbling. As people buzzed around me they had no idea that my life was changing forever.
We move through life so quickly. We live in our own little bubbles. We feel sometimes that we are the only ones suffering, the only ones fighting to take that next step forward, the only ones with a wide open gash in our heart. But the truth of the matter is we are not the only ones. We all struggle, we all suffer, we all need to figure out how to take the next step.
Writing was a huge part of helping me heal through my mom's death. I filled many pages of my journal and also shared some of my writing publicly on my blog. My words were raw and honest. I consciously choose not to censor them. It was through this vulnerability that I invited others in. Individuals reached out with love, they shared their own stories, and provided a simple acknowledgment for what I was going through.
I had also created a private email list with a small group of family and friends that I would write to. Having this outlet helped me process a lot of the feelings I was struggling with. It was a safe space for me to spill open. I wrote about my fears, my memories, my sadness, and my pain. This small group of individuals held these words close and gave me space to heal in my own time.
After my mom's death I began writing letters to her. I have a special notebook dedicated to this. I tell her about the latest things that are going on. Give her the gossip and the inside scoop. I share with her more in those letter than I ever had when she was here. Writing these letters gives me an opportunity to continue to connect with her.
Writing seems like such a simple thing, but putting words onto paper is cathartic and opens the gate to your heart. The page gives you space to spill open and just be. It never once judges what you put on it and that is an incredible gift. You are the one who chooses if you share it or not. You can rip it up, burn it, or let others read what you have wrote. You are the keeper of your words.
When you write you open up the gate to your heart and give yourself a little bit of breathing room. You can spill about your past or dream about your future. You decide where the pen is going to go.
I have been writing ever since I was small. It has been so long that I don't even know what life was like before I found the page. I carry a notebook with me everywhere I go and spill the contents of my heart into it. The pages aren't filled with pretty writing or the most eloquent of words but they are filled with my deepest desires, my worries and fears, list of places I want to visit, dreams I hope to one day accomplish, ramblings of things I didn't know I needed to work through, and moments of love and happiness.
I don't know who I would be if I didn't have the opportunity to figure it out on the page. Writing is an outlet for me that helps me untangle everything that get's twisted. It is my saving grace when I feel off kilter and overwhelmed. It provides me sanity, connection, and a chance to be compassionate with myself. I know that writing has save my life time and time again.
It wasn't just during my mothers death that I turned to writing but every day before that and every day since. I write through the daily stresses of showing up in life. Through those feelings of not feeling good enough, doing enough, being enough.
The page is a tool
helping me heal, grow, and expand.
Through my years of writing I have learned how to dig in and get to the heart of the matter. How to put the ego aside and allow the truth to spill open with compassion rather than criticism. I have different prompts that I use when I don't know what to write and tools that help me show up again and again.
I want to share all of this with YOU!
I want you to know that you do not have to walk this journey alone. We can do it together! I am here to hold your hand and walk beside you. We can do so much more when we do it together.
I offer two separate One-on-One mentoring programs.
One is an opportunity to dip your toe in the water through daily writing prompts delivered to your inbox for one week.
The prompts will be tailored just for you based on what you want to work on or through.
If you want to dive in deeper we can work together for a month. I will hold up the mirror for your so you can see how amazing you are as you work through different writing prompts, creative excursions, and secret missions.
This program is created based upon what you want to work on.
I know that writing heals. Spilling your own words and reading the words of others can open you up in a way that you never expected. It is a beautiful gift that we are able to easily give ourselves.
I remember one time sitting in the library writing about one thing but as I kept writing my heart took over and the words spilled into another direction completely. What began as complaints about my struggles at work ended up being a complete heart opening about a previous relationship I was in. These feelings were tucked deep into my heart. I didn't even realize that there was so much I had yet to work through. But the page knew and gave me the space to work through it.
Let's set free what you no longer need to carry around. Let's give a voice to those dreams that want to come true. Let's put your deepest desires into motion.
It is time for you to claim your life. Let's begin by taking it to the page and unearthing what you truly desire!
It would be an honor and a privilege to work with you.
Have a question? Please feel free to reach out to me at jennifer@jenniferbelthoff.com.
It was three years ago that my world changed forever. Changed in a way I never thought would happen at that stage in my life. Yes, I knew one day I would be motherless but I never knew that day would arrive before I turned 35. Before I ever got married. Before I had any children. Before we ever had to have the conversation about "going into a home" which she always joked about.
I thought there was time.
I thought there was so much time. But time is a funny thing. We feel like we have endless amounts of it and then it is taken away from us and we cannot comprehend what just happened.
And now here I stand; a daughter without a mother. There is a huge piece of my heart missing and I know that no matter what I do it will never be filled. Only my mom could heal that space and she will never get the chance to.
It wasn't always rainbows and butterflies.
My mom and I had our fair share of differences. But as I grew older, we grew closer. She became more than my mom but my friend. She arrived at my doorstep with chicken soup when I wasn't feeling well. She always checked in to see how I was doing. Made my my favorite meal on my birthday. And there were many nights spent crafting or roaming the aisles of TJ Maxx trying on the most ridiculous hats.
There was laughter and inside jokes. Family dinners and trips down the shore. There was love, lots and lots of love and so many memories made.
As I come upon this three year anniversary, motherless I will continue to share the stories. I will share the laughter and even the moments when she would drive me crazy. It is in this sharing that I feel closest her. I appreciate it when people ask me about my mom, when I am reminiscing about her, and when individuals do not shy away from these types of conversations.
I may be motherless but my mom lives on forever inside me.
I remember the day my mom dropped me off at college. It was only thirty minutes from my home yet I would be living on campus and life as we both knew it was changing forever. Her little girl was growing up and would no longer be sleeping in her bedroom right down the hall each night.
As I walked through the arches on campus I tucked into my heart all the lessons my mom had taught me growing up. At the time she bestowed these lessons onto me I didn't appreciate them. But as I entered this vast unknown territory I had a feeling I would be leaning deeply on all that she embedded into my heart.
This was one of her favorites. She said it often and always reminded us of it when we forgot. There were times she didn't even have to tell us because she showed us. Like when she shared a bit of her sandwich if we were hungry. Or gave us the towel to dry off first if we only had one after swimming in the ocean. Letting us pull up the crab lines to check if something took hold. Taking us to the park when what she really wanted to do was stay home and nap.
What mattered most to my mom was family. When she was with her family her face would light up. But mother/daughter relationships aren't always easy and there were years my mom and I struggled. Through it all she never stopped showing me how much she cared and that family is always there. On our birthday's she would have us over for our favorite meal which she would cook and you could see what joy it brought her to have us all gathered together.
My mom never went on fancy vacations or cared for the most expensive and extravagant things. What mattered most to her was time together, a memory made, laughter, family trips. She enjoyed arts and craft and creating things. She gave gifts from the heart and knew that it was the moments together that made up a beautiful life.
I remember when I lived on my own and I wasn't feeling great. Nothing crazy, just a cold that knocked me down for the count. My mom showed up at my door with medicine and warm soup. She tucked me into bed, made sure I had everything I needed, and took care of me the only way a mom could. Yet she didn't do that for just me. She took care of everyone around her. From watching after her friends kids while they went to work to caring for a friend who was dying of cancer. She showed up. She picked up tissues strewn all of the floor. She made sure you were comfortable and she cared deeply.
There are many other lessons tucked into my heart from my mom. Lessons I will never forget and follow day after day. It is because her that I am as strong, as brave, and as kind as I am. She taught me to work hard, follow through, and not quit until it's done. She taught me to love deeply, reach out, and invite others in. She also taught me to not take life to seriously; to laugh at the corniest of things and appreciate the feeling of sand between my toes.
My mom taught me so much, but most of all she taught me to be proud of who I am. Some days this lesson is harder to remember than others. But I do know that I am always growing, always learning, and always becoming. And even though my mom isn't here to see it; I know she is still cheering me on.
What lessons has your mother taught you?
For as long as I roam around on earth there is a story that will play on repeat in my head. The story of how two words shattered my heart and changed my life. This is a tale I never thought I would have to tell. Yet here I stand, telling it again and again.
It is two years later and I am still picking up the pieces of that broken heart. I am trying to put it back together again but like a plate that busted as it hit the floor there are a few missing pieces that can't be found. You glue the plate back together, but it is never the same. Yes, it is usable but the cracks are visible and you know you have to be a little extra gentle each time you use it.
This is how my heart feels.
You may not be able to see the missing pieces but I can feel them and I know I need to be tender. Especially in this moments when the memories come flooding back and those two words play over and over again in my mind.
Stage four
Two words that if spoken separately provoke no concern. but when you string them together everything changes. Hearts break. Worlds come crumbling down. Life as you know it becomes changed forever.
He and I stood outside the hospital room as the Doctor was talking to my parents and I didn't want to bust in and interrupt. My mom had been rushed their earlier in the day and we had little details of what was wrong. She has just battled breast cancer and my initial thought was maybe she wasn't feeling well because of the radiation. As we stood in the hallway waiting the door of the hospital room closed and my heart sank. I felt helpless and afraid.
Waiting for what felt like an eternity my mind quickly ran through every worse case possible scenario. Yet none of these scenarios prepared me for what I was about to hear. Stage four. The cancer has spread to her liver and her lungs.
I felt as if someone had completely drained the oxygen from my entire body and I was unable to breath. I stood in front of the one women who protected me my entire life and my immediate instinct was to do whatever I could to protect her. I did not want her to feel the fear that was swirling inside of me. I did not want her to know the millions of questions I had no answers to. I did not want her to see me cry. I stood there, being as brave as I could concentrating only on the next immediate moment in front of me and not letting my mom see my crumbling heart.
As we walked outside the hospital I was deflated. How could this have happened? A mere few weeks ago we just celebrated her being "cancer free". What was going on? I felt exhausted and drained.
"At least it is stage four" he said.
I looked at him quizzically. "Stage four is the worst" I replied.
And even though it was heartbreaking in that moment it was those two words that made me smile. I realized that even in the hardest of moments there is love and compassion. He just wanted to be there for me and make it better. Even though he knew he couldn't stop the pain he wanted me to know that he was there for me. As we stood next to each other I knew that I was about to face one of the hardest journey's of my life but I wasn't going to have to do it alone. Together we would navigate this newly shattered heart.
open your heart & share your story
Hello I'm Jennifer! A writer, podcaster and heart-centered guide. I believe in the power of the written word and am here to guide you in opening your heart.
