moments

When your mom passes away you feel like the whole world should stop, but it doesn't
Instead it buzzes around you in it's usual fashion
And you can't make sense of it
What once was an every day activity becomes a chore to complete
It feels like work to get out the door
Everything seems fuzzy and nothing is right

There moments when you can't tell up from down
Tears flow from your eyes at a moments notice
Standing in the line at the grocery store feels like it takes hours
Your chest constrains and you think you can't breathe
You have to get out of there instantly
And you are not even sure why

This new "normal" was nothing you ever expected
You weren't ready for this and you don't know how you will weather the storm
So you do the one thing you know how to do
You grab a piece of paper and a pen
And you write every memory you can remember
You do not want to forget a single moment

The way you held her hand in those final hours
The scent of the shampoo as you washed her hair
The sound of her voice as she cheered for you from down the street
The deep embrace
The moment she sat on the couch across from you and opened up
You want to hold onto it all

You tuck each memory in your pocket
Saving it for the moment you need it most
And a smile forms across your face because there are so many good memories
So much light and happiness
Corny jokes and backyard gatherings
Her life wasn't as long as you wished it to be, but it was full of goodness


 

little happy moments

While my mom was sick I did not take the time to drop notes into my happy jar
But that doesn't mean that even in those tough days that there weren't moments that made me happy
There were many
The way the sun rose and peaked through the trees as I was walking into the hospital on the morning she passed
The feel of her skin as I held her hand
How he showed up, no questions asked because he knew I needed him there
The way he pulled me in close
The laughter in the hospital room when my nieces and nephews were there, and the smile on my moms face as they ran about the room
The challenge of washing her hair and the laughter that ensued
How our family came together
The phone calls, the text messages . . . so much love
The moments in the backyard
Handstands and cartwheels
How he had us blow a kiss from the grandkids after a group hug
Yes, there were so many little moments
Weaved between the tears and sadness my heart grew two sizes
If we take the time to look for it we can find a bit of happy in any situation

there is something about mothers

There is something special about Mothers.  They love unconditionally.  They see you for who you are and support you.  They look past all the hardships that you put them through and they are there.  

It is incredible how Mothers love.  How they show up. Take days off to babysit and let you do your laundry at their house.  They know exactly what will make you happy, and they do it.  No questions asked.  

Mothers, there are no words that properly describe them because they are amazing.  They are superheroes without the cape.  They clean up spills.  They hold your hand.  They are there for you when you are at your worst and celebrate along side of you when you are at your best.

They are at each sporting event, even when it is freezing or pouring rain.  They trek miles to cheer you on as you run 26.2.  They yell the loudest and are the proudest.   

Oh Mothers, they do it all.  They create moments that become memories.  They tell corny jokes and laugh deeply.  They plan vacations at the beach, surprise parties, and backyard gatherings.  They know that the best moments in life are spent with family.  

Yes, there is something special about Mothers and my mother was this and so much more.  She was not only my mother, she was my friend.  

for mom

There are no words to describe the sadness that I feel for the passing of my Mom.  But there are so many beautiful memories tucked in my heart.  She will live on in all of us, as she has taught us so much.  My mom was not just my mom, she was my friend.  

The past month or so when she was sick I did not do much writing.  It was a whirlwind of emotion, phone calls being made, time at the hospital, research and questions.  The time has gone by in a blur.  But between the sadness there were some really good moments when she was laughing and smiling.  Telling stories from the past and sharing gratitude for all who were there for her.  She was always looking out for everyone and did that right up until the end.    

I will always miss my mom but I know that no matter where I go she will be watching over me and sending little signs that she is around.  

nothing is wasted

Nothing is wasted, nothing
Including
The time spent dreaming
The worry, the wonder, the why
The heart breaks
There is loss and tears
Moments of glory, joy and deep intense sorrow

No, nothing is wasted
That smile, the tear, the laughter
That extra time spent in bed
That wish you made on the stars
The way you said your final goodbye
It is all woven, fluid and a part of you
It is a gift in this big beautiful world
Because nothing, no nothing is wasted

the words spilled

There are no words she said
And then she turned to a blank page and it all spilled out
The heartache
The anger
The sadness
The pain
It flowed like a rushing river and she did not know how to control it
The page caught everything she was bottling up
It held it all gently and allowed space for her to break free
There was no judgment or harsh criticism
Just a moment in time for a well needed release
She spilled out her hopes and spoke her fears
She was honest and raw
The tears spilled 
And she was so grateful to let it all out.