you take the risk

You didn’t know if you could do it
But you knew you had to try
You didn’t know what the outcome would be
But you knew you had to take the risk
You have stood on the sidelines for far too long
You watched others take flight wishing you could do the same
You have been stock piling your courage
And you know you cannot wait a single second longer
You must follow your heart
Go after what is calling you
Risk the fear of potential failure
And try anyway
The time is now
To make your own happy
Leap without expectations
See where the road leads you
You know that you are meant to carve your own path
Find your own way home
Discover yourself along the journey
And so you do it
Putting one foot in front of the other
You reach
You grow
You learn
And you keep on going, even when it feels impossible
Because you aren’t meant to live small
You have come here with your heart wide open
And you want to take it all in
This is your life
You claim it
You live it
You are fully present in it
You are going to make the most of it
Each and every day
And so you take the risk, time and time again

healing happens

Grief has a way of knocking you to your feet and making you feel like you will never be able to stand again.  It is paralyzing and deep.  You lose track of which way is up and which is down.  The darkness closes in and you forget what the light feels like. 

Grief has this way of taking over. 

When my mom passed I fell down the rabbit hole of grief and I never thought I would be able climb my way out.  My heart physically hurt and a constant stream of tears fell from my eyes.  It was a pain that I thought no one could heal.

Over time healing happens.  

In moments that you least expect it arrives gently.  A hand reaching out to hold yours.  Sitting with a friend and spilling your heart open. Gathering with family.  The sound of the ocean waves.  Finding feathers.  Seeing signs of her all around. 

Healing seeps into your heart and soul.  It reminds you that you are ok.  That you can make it through this.  That yes it hurts, and always will, but you can still keep stepping forward.  You can feel the sunshine on your skin and enjoy it. She would want you to do just that.   

morning on the dock

One of the most magical things about Squam Arts Workshops is gathering on the dock after a day of creating.  The dock provides a safe haven to share your stories from the day and do a bit of show and tell on what you created.  It is a place where hearts open up, light shines through, and you are seen for exactly who you are.  It is a place of love and expansion and one of the best places to gather.  

Since it is not possible to gather on the dock every single day Elizabeth Duvivier {founder of Squam} has found a way to bring these conversations and space to wherever it is you are in this moment.  I am grateful to have had the opportunity to chat with Elizabeth for her weekly podcast Morning on the Dock.  We chat about he Love Notes Postcard Project, writing, running, and navigating the grief after losing my mom last year.  

I invite you to grab a cup of tea  and settle in for a little bit of heart opening conversation.  

feeling all the feelings

It has been a year since my mom passed and all of the emotions and feelings that have run through me since then have been of deep sadness for losing her.  My heart heavy.  My mind in complete disbelief.  There are moments when it still doesn't feel real.  

And then today as I sat down at my desk a new feeling bubbled up.  Above my computer are photos of her and in each of those photos she is filled with so much life, love, and happiness.  I can see it in the way she holds her grandson, the bright smile on her face as she sits with her sister-in-law and daughter-in-law, and how happy she is to be surrounded by her family.  

Seeing her so alive made me feel angry that she had passed.  She was taken to soon, a few days shy of her 60th birthday.  We had a surprise party planned for her and then she got sick.  It all happened so quickly.  It wasn't supposed to be like this.  She was supposed to get old and cranky and drive me crazy.  

Even though it is inevitable I never once thought about a time when my mom wouldn't be here.  Her spirit so young and alive.  Her heart so open.  It doesn't feel fair that she was taken.  She still had so much love to give, especially to her grand kids who she absolutely adored.

Inside me the anger swirls.  I want to know why but I also know that is an impossible question to answer.  We never know why one thing happens over another.  All we can do is learn how to live within the confines of the new "normal".   

It doesn't seem fair.  It doesn't seem right.  It breaks my heart into a million pieces.  Through the anger I try to collect the pieces of my heart and remember the moments, the laughter, the jokes, the time spent together.  

I think I am going to be here forever, but truth is I do not know when it is my time to leave.  It is something I have absolutely no control over.  I plan for the future.  I run from one thing to the next.  I hurry to get it all done.  But through the chaos I know that I  must slow down and savor the moments.  

I need to  take in the beauty that is around me and appreciate the love that I am shown.  For these are the tiny moments that create my life.  There will be a mixture of emotions each and every day for this is all part of being alive.  I need to recognize and feel these emotions but I also need to feel the moment I am in.  

I will stand holding the anger but also holding love.  Without so much love there wouldn't be anger for what was lost.  And one thing is for certain, I am so grateful for the moments I had.  

there is something about mothers

Today I would also like to share with you the words that I spoke at my mom's service. 

As mother and daughters tend to do my mom and I did not always have the best relationship.  But as I got older and out of adolescence our relationship blossomed into a beautiful friendship. 

My mom taught me so much and I am love seeing her in so many of the things I do.  It reminds me that she is always with me. 

Here are the words I spoke at her service:  there is something about mother's

what will you make of it

This life has a way of unfolding in ways we never imagined
It is beautiful and heartbreaking
Lonely and filled with love
It is an incredible journey
With each step we take we never know where we are going to end up
You start in one place but you end up finding yourself someone where else
A place you never imagined
A place you couldn't even have dreamed up because you didn't know of it's possibility
Yes life - it is a grand adventure or nothing at all
It is what you make of it

What will you make of your life?

did she know she was dying?

Did she know she was dying?  This is what I asked myself as I stood beside her holding her hand one final time.  Everything happened so quickly.  What we thought started as breast cancer spread to her entire body and through it all she remained the most positive I had ever seen her.  She talked about when she would be going back to work and the things we would do when she got out of the hospital.  She searched for the flyer from the newspaper to show my Father the chair she wanted when she got home so she could sit outside.  It broke my heart because I knew she would never get a chance to sit in that chair.  

As I held her hand I was unable to say anything but "I love you, I love you, I love you".  I wanted to tell her so much but I didn't want to let on that she was dying.  Maybe she didn't know.  Maybe  she was peacefully going off to another place and I didn't want to scare her.  Maybe I just did't want to say the words out loud for myself.  

In between hospital visits mom was home for a short amount of time.  She was there, but not really there.  You could see the pain on her face and it broke my heart to see a person who was once so filled with life struggling to take each breathe.  After she passed my brother found on her iPad that she had googled 'Lung Cancer'.  I wonder if there was fear inside of her as she read the results.  Did she know then that she was dying?  

Mom was a trooper right up until the end.  She was more worried about us than she was about herself.  "You can't be spending all this time here" she would say to me "you have things to do".  I refused to leave her side, spending long hours in the hospital chatting, watching the housewives, and giggling about past memories.  "This is why you have a girl" she told the nurse as I was washing her hair in the sink.  "My son would never do this for me".  I remember how terrified I was washing her hair.  I had no idea what I was doing and I didn't want to cause her anymore pain. My dear friend eased my fears telling me to just have fun with it.  "This will be a memory you will cherish" she said, and she was right.  

This Sunday will be the one year anniversary of my mom's passing and those days of being in the hospital with her feels like a lifetime ago, and yet I cannot believe that she has been gone a year.  Time is a tricky thing  Sometimes flying by in a blink of any eye and other times feeling like it is dragging on.  

As I go about my days I see signs of my mom all around.  I feel as if she is watching over all of us and it brings me comfort to know that she is still near.  I still wonder if she knew she was dying or if she was just being strong for us, the way she always did.  I know I will never know the answer but I like to believe that she didn't know.  I like to think that she passed peacefully thinking about going back to work and spending time with her family. We never really know what is next for all of us, and maybe just maybe she didn't know she was dying.