thank you for your friendship

I am grateful for you and the way you hold up the mirror and reflect back all that I cannot see.  Without you my world would be dark.  I would fall down the rabbit hole of despair and be unable to find my out.  You walk along the path with me.  You listen when I speak and you listen even deeper when I am silent.  You know how I am feeling without me even saying a word.  What a gift you are in my life. 

As human beings we are our own worst critic.  We pick every little thing apart about ourselves, things we never would pick apart to a good friend or even a stranger.  So why do we do it to ourselves?

You remind me of the good I hold.  You invite me to slow down, take a step back, and see with fresh eyes what is really right below the surface.  You show me that I do have much to offer and you help me to not doubt myself.  

Together we laugh so hard that tears stream down our cheeks.  We jump in the car and hit the road not sure of where we are going but enjoying every moment of the adventure.  You show up with chicken noodle soup when I am sick.  You climb the stairs with advil in hand when I can't bear to move a muscle out of bed.  You bring with you joy, love, and comfort.  You remind me again and again that I am not alone and you always reach out your hand.  You understand how hard it can be to ask for help so you don't wait, you just come right in.  

You have helped me create a lifetime of memories that fill my heart with happiness.  You have seen me at my very best and at my worst.  You never once judged me even when you should have.  You accepted my mishaps and mistakes and helped me find my way back to myself.  You told me when I needed to knock it off, buck up, and just forget about it already.  Your honesty is what has helped me through. 

You have been a shoulder to lean on and someone I could call on anytime night or day.  You knew me back when before so many scars, before so much pain, before I made so many mistakes, but also before so many incredible memories, happiness, and joy.  You knew me then and loved me and know me today and still continue to love me.  

I am grateful for YOU.  For your wide open heart and incredible friendship.   Life would not be what it is today if you were not here traveling this adventure with me.  I want you to know how much you mean to me and how bright your light shines in this world.  

Thank you for the hugs.  Thank you for the laughter.  Thank you for always listening.  Thank you for the walks and the coffee dates.  Thank you for everything!  I adore YOU!  

did she know she was dying?

Did she know she was dying?  This is what I asked myself as I stood beside her holding her hand one final time.  Everything happened so quickly.  What we thought started as breast cancer spread to her entire body and through it all she remained the most positive I had ever seen her.  She talked about when she would be going back to work and the things we would do when she got out of the hospital.  She searched for the flyer from the newspaper to show my Father the chair she wanted when she got home so she could sit outside.  It broke my heart because I knew she would never get a chance to sit in that chair.  

As I held her hand I was unable to say anything but "I love you, I love you, I love you".  I wanted to tell her so much but I didn't want to let on that she was dying.  Maybe she didn't know.  Maybe  she was peacefully going off to another place and I didn't want to scare her.  Maybe I just did't want to say the words out loud for myself.  

In between hospital visits mom was home for a short amount of time.  She was there, but not really there.  You could see the pain on her face and it broke my heart to see a person who was once so filled with life struggling to take each breathe.  After she passed my brother found on her iPad that she had googled 'Lung Cancer'.  I wonder if there was fear inside of her as she read the results.  Did she know then that she was dying?  

Mom was a trooper right up until the end.  She was more worried about us than she was about herself.  "You can't be spending all this time here" she would say to me "you have things to do".  I refused to leave her side, spending long hours in the hospital chatting, watching the housewives, and giggling about past memories.  "This is why you have a girl" she told the nurse as I was washing her hair in the sink.  "My son would never do this for me".  I remember how terrified I was washing her hair.  I had no idea what I was doing and I didn't want to cause her anymore pain. My dear friend eased my fears telling me to just have fun with it.  "This will be a memory you will cherish" she said, and she was right.  

This Sunday will be the one year anniversary of my mom's passing and those days of being in the hospital with her feels like a lifetime ago, and yet I cannot believe that she has been gone a year.  Time is a tricky thing  Sometimes flying by in a blink of any eye and other times feeling like it is dragging on.  

As I go about my days I see signs of my mom all around.  I feel as if she is watching over all of us and it brings me comfort to know that she is still near.  I still wonder if she knew she was dying or if she was just being strong for us, the way she always did.  I know I will never know the answer but I like to believe that she didn't know.  I like to think that she passed peacefully thinking about going back to work and spending time with her family. We never really know what is next for all of us, and maybe just maybe she didn't know she was dying.  

a way of belonging

I want to talk about the belonging, and the way it just happened
So easily
So simply
With no struggle or fear
We fell into one another, and there we stayed
It happened by chance 
And an understanding between us grew strong
There is a moving together that works
Compassion, kindness, and love
A letting go of expectations
And a letting in of our worlds expanding
It was what neither of us had expected
Yet it felt so right, so real
Now here we are, almost four years later
And this belonging has blossomed and grown
It shines bright even in the darkness
And can be felt in a glance across the room
We value the respect we give one another
And always allow space to grow and dream
We tend to each others hearts
And walk side by side on this journey called life
We are each others biggest fans
And we listen deeply to the words unsaid
Yes, there is this way of belonging
Of him and me, together
 

choose love

Why
Because there is so much love
And even when life hands you the hardest thing ever
You have to lean on love
Why
Because that is all there is
And that is what is most important
Love
Yes love
It always comes back to love
Because when we don't know what to do
We choose love
We lean deep into it
And we just feel it
Because that is all we can do
So we do it

shining brightly

It is here in the sunshine that we relax deeply into one another
The everyday nuances of home have been left behind
We do not have to make the bed or clean the dishes
We can sink deeply into the space between and love each other up
There is no schedule to adhere to
No where in particular to be
We are just here, together, in the moment
It is here where we fall deeper and deeper in love
Seeing so clearly what we appreciate about one another
The laughter comes easily
The conversation is fluid
We stand side by side and each feel how perfect the moment is
The sun shines brightly and we smile wide

when you knew me

You knew me when I was afraid of the world
Clinging onto you like a life raft
I held on tightly because I had no idea how to swim
Unsure of my own self
Floundering on my own two feet
I did not know which way to go
Or even how to begin to take that first step
You saw me in my darkest moments
Scenes I wish not to repeat
We stood alongside one another for as long as we could
And then we both knew we had to part ways
Even though I struggled to say that final goodbye
I needed to discover who I am in this world
And you needed to fly
There are times that I wonder what it would be like if you saw me now
Would you recognize the women in front of you
No longer timid and afraid, but firmly standing on her own two feet
I know we will never have another conversation
Our worlds are to far apart from one another
But the memories of our times together are held deeply in my heart
The good and the not so beautiful
You held me when I needed desperately to be held
Sheltering me from the world
Giving me time to pull myself together
And you pushed me when you knew I was ready
You weren't there to watch me fly
But it was you who helped me find the initial courage to try