deep in grief

I stand here still deep in grief
Unsure of how to process it all
It was just a year ago that we learned how sick she was, and now she is gone

I stand here in shock how quickly it all happened
How young she was
How unprepared we all were

I never thought about a time when she wouldn't be around
We always joked that I was going to put her in a home
And she told me to tell her when she was acting like my grandma

We never had the chance to go through those moments
And now I cling to the memories
Like a life line reminding me of all that was

We never know when our life is going to change
We make plans, we dream, we hope
But there is no guarantee

I see her in everything
The way the sky creates colorful stunning sunsets
Feathers found, songs heard

She isn't here with us in person
But I feel her
And write her letters to tell her what is going on

It still doesn't feel real
But we hold onto each other
And share our stories of her

One moment at a time
A deep breathe in
A heart full of love

She may be gone, but she is still with us

let's roll

In 2014 this awesome group of people braved the crowded subways and streets to cheer me on as I ran the NYC Marathon for the very first time.  I had written on my hand the miles that I was going to see them because I knew nerves would set in and I would forget.  I remember starting the race and thinking .... 'I hope they made it, I hope they made it, I hope they made it".  Then from a distance at mile three I saw an orange pom pom shaking and I knew that was them.  My heart exploded with happiness.  

As I trekked 26.2 miles I kept looking down at my wrist to see when I was going to see them next. When I felt like I couldn't go on I just kept telling myself ... "just make it to that next mile where they will be, just make it there".  And I did and it was an instant energy boost!

Not only did I have them following me along on my route, I also had other family members at mile 17 right outside of Memorial Sloan Kettering Hospital; the charity I was running for.  Seeing them outside of the hospital and knowing that they were there all day just to cheer me on when I passed by was an incredible feeling.  

Because of each of them I made it 26.2 miles!  There cheers and encouragement helped carry me to the finish line.

I remember the first time I watched the marathon.  I was in awe by the individuals running.  Inspiration set in and I wanted to run it myself.  However when I got home reality set in and I gave up on the idea.  It took me a couple of years to get up the courage and actually say YES!  Once I committed I was in, all in.  

I remember how proud my mom was telling everyone she knew that I was training for the marathon.  She believed in me more than I believed in myself and she knew that I was going to be able to do it.  Her encouragement helped push me forward. 

This year I am stepping back up to the starting line and running in memory of my mom who we lost to cancer last year.  I will also be running for my Aunts Liz, Patricia, Grace, and Kathy who have won the fight.  I will be running again for Memorial Sloan Kettering Hospital and raising money for cancer research.  Like so many families cancer has touched my families life in deep ways.

I run to honor my friends and family touched by cancer. 
I run to advance cancer research and care. 
I run because I can imagine a world without cancer and I know the research matters.

Help me reach my fundraising goal by donating today.  No donation is to small and every dollar goes towards cancer research.  Together let's roll and fight the fight.  

Click here to donate

turning the tv off

When I lived alone I did not have a tv.  It was one of the best decisions I made.  Rather than falling down the rabbit hole of television programming I went hiking in the woods, explored bookstores and libraries, rode my bike, walked, painted, read books, and wrote. I did all of this by myself and it was incredibly freeing.  

Prior to living alone I thought I would never be able to do it.  It thought I would be terrified. But in fact it was exactly the opposite.  I fell deeply and madly in love with living on my own.  No one was walking through the door unless I invited them in.  Things were exactly where I left them.  And the only mess I had to clean up was the one I made myself.  

Things look quiet differently today as I am living with my love.  I have noticed that I have fallen down the rabbit hole of reality tv.  Choosing to curl up on the couch and numb my mind than go out and explore.  I didn't realize how much of a toll this was taking on me until I decided to take my mornings back.  

I have realized how deeply I need that time with myself.  The quiet, the uninterrupted moments to think and breathe.  It is necessary for me and something that I have somehow lost track of.  The sound of the television had take over the sound of my own inner voice and I could no longer hear what I needed.  So I turned the TV off.  I let the quietness engulf me and I listened to what I needed ... a walk outside with my camera.  

It was incredible.  Fresh air.  Sunshine.  Me and my thoughts.  Free therapy!  And it is there for the taking.  In fact, it is always there for the taking, I just need to turn off the TV and listen.  

So not only am I taking my morning back, but I am taking back my days.  I am choosing to keep the TV off.  It's ok if I don't know what happens on the Real Housewives.  Not only is it ok, but it will spark my creativity.  It will push me outside.  It will help me to get really clear on what it is I want to do and how I want to live.

What feeds your soul?  What do you do when no one is around?  How do you carve out time just for yourself?   

taking my mornings back

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I am taking back my mornings.  I am choosing to show up the way that makes my body feel good.  I am choosing movement and meditation over scrolling through social media.  I am cooking myself breakfast and writing by twinkle light.  I am letting all of my thoughts and feelings spill onto the page, and it feels so good.  

I dream of one day being able to have entire days like this.  Freedom to choose what I want to do.  But until that moment I am starting off this way.  When the world is quiet I can here my inner voice.  I can hone in on my intuition.  I can recognize where I am.  

When I choose to say yes to me I feel so good.  Movement and exercise brings the biggest smile to my face.  I feel alive, ready, focused.  There is no reason not to feel this way every single day!  Recently I have been hitting the snooze button, over and over again.  Rushing to get ready.  Rushing to work.  Showing up late.  It is in these moments I am not my best self.  Frustrated, irritable, unhappy. 

I know I do not want to live that way.  I know the choice is in my hands.  So I am taking my morning back.  I am choosing me.  I am showing up the way I wish the rest of my days were and I am setting the tone.  In order to make something happen you need to make it happen yourself.  And I am doing just that.  

I am taking my mornings back
I am choosing me
I am slowing down
I am zoning in
I am focusing on what makes me happy, what makes me smile
Yes, I am taking my mornings back

How about you?

gratitude

Gratitude is a part of my daily life.  I am grateful for the small moments.  The ones that may seem insignificant to others, but to me they mean everything.

A warm cup of tea.
The way the sun glistens off my windshield.
My favorite radio program playing in my car on the way to work. 
A kiss goodbye as he still slumbers in dream land.

These every day moments are precious.  They fill my heart with love and joy but only because I stop to appreciate them.  It could be easy to just keep going.  To never take the time to think about and savor how much they fill me up.  Our lives are filled with moments, and there is always something lurking around the corner.  But I choose to slow down.  I choose to pause, reflect, say thank you.  

It is important to acknowledge the beauty and grace around you.  To not just let it slip through your fingers un noticed.  When you savor the small moments you have the opportunity to tuck them into the memory bank of your heart.  It is inside there they flourish and grow, feeding your soul and encouraging you to keep looking out for the precious beautiful moments.  

Life fly's by in a blink of an eye.  If we don't slow down and recognize how deeply amazing it is, we may just miss it.  In this moment right now I am grateful for the way the sun is shining through the porch door.  For the warm weather and the way my body carried me through a five mile fun this morning.  I am grateful to be right here on my couch, spilling these words onto the page.  My small apartment engulfs me with love and I feel it.  I know I will miss this place when we move on.  I try not to take this moment for granted.  This simple moment of peace and quiet where it is just me, the sunshine, and the sound of the keys typing out these words.  It may not look like much to anyone, but to me it is everything.  

How about you?  What are you grateful for in this moment right here?  I would love to here you share your gratitude in the comments.  When we speak our words of gratitude out loud we reinforce how much it means to us.  What a divine practice.  Never stop pausing to say thank you.  

take the road less traveled

The road you travel will not always be clear.  There will be obstacles and things to overcome.  Unexpected moments pushing you to your limits.  Challenging you to keep on going.  Bringing you to your knees.  

It won't always be easy but it will always be worth it.

When you listen to the sound of your own voice and find your own way home you discover true happiness.  No one, that's right, no one can make you happy unless you yourself are happy with where you are, what you have, what you are doing.  You must always focus on yourself first.  Fill your well.  When you are full you are able to show up deeply and fully as yourself to others.  This is the best gift you can offer.  

So choose the road less traveled.  Follow your heart.  Navigate your own way.  Never give up on what it is you truly want.  Find a way to make it happen.  And if it is impossible to happen find a way to discover the unexpected and relish in what it brings you.

Life is not an easy road.  It takes work to get where you want to be.  It takes work to say no and to say yes.  But when you are true to yourself you find your own way home you open up the door to happiness.   And this my dear is all that matters.  When you are true to yourself you attract others who are like minded and see you for you.  This is a precious gift.  

So never settle for less.  Never allow someone to tell you that you aren't good enough.  YOU, yes you are amazing.  You are a divine individual.  When you follow the road less traveled, when you listen to your heart and find your own way home you will be basking in happiness. 

So find to road less traveled today and take it!