"and the world spins madly on"

My friend recently lost her mom.  Upon hearing the news my heart was filled with so much love for her.  I could relate to that strange feeling where you knew your life was changed forever, yet you couldn't grasp that it was actually true.  

I remember standing in the coffee shop days after learning the severity of my own mom's diagnosis of stage 4 cancer.  The world was spinning madly on and I couldn't understand how that was possible.  Life as I knew it was crumbling around me and yet there were people going about their day to day activity.  Didn't they know that I was on the verge of being changed forever?  Couldn't they see the sadness in my eyes?  Did they not feel the hurt spilling from my heart?  They rushed passed me, not even noticing that I was there.  

When you are in this deep phase of sadness every day task's take an incredible amount of effort to complete.  Before you would wake up and brush your teeth as if you were on autopilot.  But within the grief you need to literally push yourself out of bed and force yourself to do something so ordinary.  It is as if everything has slowed down and you are living in a thick cloud of fog.  

I stood in the coffee shop this morning.  Consciously choosing to tuck my phone into my pocket and look around.   I know nothing of the lives of the individuals sharing this space with me.  I don't know what they did right before they arrived here or where they were going after.  For someone their life could be changing and I would become that person rushing past them.  

We never know what someone else is going through.  We do not know if they just had the best moment of their life or if they are struggling to complete an ordinary task like ordering a cup of coffee.  This realization is a reminder to always treat people with kindness.  Have patience with strangers, and be willing to cut people some slack and give them the benefit of the doubt.  

That person driving erratically past you; maybe they are on the way to the hospital for that last moment with their loved one.  Sure it looks and feels like and ordinary day for you but for them their is nothing ordinary about it.  

Together let's remember to open our hearts a little bit wider and choose kindness.  Smile at strangers, hold the door open, say please and thank you.  It is these simple gestures that bring peace and calm to those who are in the haze, and it also brings more love to our world. This world could use all the love that people are willing to give it.  Let's fill it with hearts!

:: A little musical inspiration which inspired the title of this post ::

signs are all around

There are signs of her all around.  They show up in the most unexpected places and make me smile.  Even though she isn't here in person I can feel her everywhere.  She is with me in everything I do.  

She was a collector of feather's.  A believer that they were from heaven.  On the window ledge above her kitchen sink sat a blue jar that I never much paid attention to.  It wasn't until after her passing that I noticed she had placed all of the feathers she had collected inside this jar.  

A few years ago on an adventure together in Brooklyn she opened her heart and shared with me that she collects feathers.  When she was younger her sister had passed and ever since her passing she had said that each time she saw one she knew it was a sign from the other side.  A reminder that she was never alone. 

I never knew this about my mom and it was touching to get this glimpse into her heart.  But even then I didn't pay much attention to the blue jar on the ledge above her sink and let the story of the feathers slip away.  

When my mom was close to the end I walked out of her house and there were feathers scattered on the back lawn.  I went to take a closer look and noticed there were others on the front lawn.  In fact the house was surrounded by feathers and to my surprise there were none to be found next door.  

Was this a sign from heaven? Were they calling her up and letting us know that she would be ok?  

The signs continue to show up and each time they do it warms my heart and makes me smile.  I miss her more than words can describe, but seeing a feather makes me feel a little bit closer to her.  They are a reminder that she is always near.  

That little blue jar still sits on the windows ledge and another feather collector has been created.  Each one he sees he picks up and adds to her.  A reminder that we are all connected.  

what story are you holding deep inside?

I am grateful for my journal.  For the way it holds my heart without any judgment.  Each time I sit down to write a new story spills onto the page.  A story that I have held close but have been afraid to share.  My journal is my sacred space to release into.  It gives me the freedom to tell the truth, the whole scary truth.  

I am often surprised by the stories I am carrying around with me.  I feel as if I have let them go but then they resurface and an entirely new layer is revealed.  For survival I patch my heart up, again and again.  Tending to the immediate bleeding but sometimes not taking time to tend to the deep wound that has developed.  

Often times these wounds surface in my dreams and I turn to my journal to work through them.  The other night I dreamt of my mom sitting on my couch after recently getting through her cancer treatments and telling me that the cancer has come back and it was looking bleak.  My heart broke as these words fell from her lips.  

When I awoke I was immediately transported back to the moment that Dustin and I were standing outside of her hospital room the day she was rushed there because she was struggling to breath.  The doctor was with her so we didn't want to barge in.  He saw us standing in the hall having no idea who we were and he closed the door.  

We waited and waited in that hallway unsure of what was going on, my heart un ready for what I was about to learn.  The cancer had spread to her lungs, her liver, and possibly her bones.  What?  How could this be possible?  We had just recently celebrated her being "cancer free".  

Grief is a long and slow healing process.  

One that I deal with each and every single day in some capacity.  I keep stepping forward because I know I have to, but my heart is heavy and more often than not the tears are on the verge of spilling.  

As Dustin and I walked out of the hospital that night I quietly clung onto his hand.  "At least it is stage four" he said to me.  As those words spilled from his lips I couldn't help but chuckle.  It was obvious he had no idea that stage four was the worst and he was just trying to comfort me.

It has been a little under two years since I lost my mom and the wound runs deep.  I still can't believe that she is gone and cling to every single story that we wrote together.  I heal a little bit each day, but do not think that I will ever be fully healed.  

It is our stories that make us who we are.  We can dwell in them or we can learn from them.  In some capacity we always carry them around with us.  What story are you holding deep inside?  What words are looking to be spilled out onto the page?

journey to 26.2

"A river cuts through a rock not because of it's power but it's persistence" ~unknown

In just two shorts months I will be showing up at the starting line of the NYC Marathon.  It feels like a lifetime ago that I said yes.  My heart has opened deeply on this training journey.    

I have ...
Explored new roads.  Gained confidence in myself.  Reached further than I thought I could go.  Payed attention.  Completely zoned out.  Learned new ways to train.  Given up.  Pushed myself out the door.  Let go of expectations.  Smiled.  Cried.  Thrown my hands up in victory.  Waved hello.  Woken up early, earlier than I ever thought I would.  Fell in love with running in the morning.  Found a countless number of feathers.  Climbed hills.  Sped up.  Slowed down.  Listened to what my body was saying.  Learned that persistence pays off.  

I am grateful for the moments I get to run.  It gives me a chance to clear my head, untangle my heart, and find my way back home.  I never thought that running would be such an integral part of who I am, but it is and I am so grateful to have it.  

With each step I have taken I can feel the presence of my mom right along side of me.  When I feel like I can't keep going a feather appears and I know she is near.  Running the NYC Marathon in her memory has given me an opportunity to heal.  It has helped me pick up the broken pieces of my heart and tend to them.  Fresh air, warm sunshine, and the open road helps breathe life back into my tired soul.  

I still have a ways to go on this journey but I am excited about where I am going.  I am beginning to feel strong and confident.  I am finding my way, navigating this unknown terrain.  I am pushing myself forward.  With gratitude in my heart I fill each step with love.  The journey to 26.2 is long but it is beautiful.  So many things learned along the way.  So much love, so many cheers.  I stand here today ready to take on the next two months 

I am running with Fred's Team.  This team is associated with Memorial Sloan Kettering Hospital and raises money to support critical cancer research as MSK's Cancer Center.  I am proud to do what I can to fight the fight against this terrible disease and I envision a day when we will be without it.  My inspiration to run has been driven by how deeply my family and so many others are affected by cancer each day.  Join me in this fight and help me raise as much money as I can for cancer research.  No amount is two small and every dollar counts.  Together let's imagine a world without cancer! 

A great big thank you to everyone that has already donated and to those who have been cheering me on throughout this journey.  Without the love and support that I have been receiving I am not sure I would have made it it this far.  Running a marathon is a solitary journey but the runner is never truly alone.  Support, kindness, and cheers have filled my heart with love and for this I am deeply grateful!

dear mom

There are signs of her everywhere and it warms my heart
When I miss her she reminds me that she is never that far away
Her offering of feathers brings her close to me

Dear Mom,
There are so many words I want to say, so many stories I want to share.  The world keeps spinning on and it doesn't feel right that you aren't here.  I can't believe it has been a little over a year since you began your next journey.  My world is not the same without you in it.  

As I have been training for the NYC Marathon you have been in my thoughts and keeping me company along the way.  Thank you for all of the feathers you have sent down just when I needed them most.  I know how much you loved the marathon and I am running this one for you.  

I remember the pride you had in your eyes when you would tell people your daughter was training.  I think you told more people than I did.  You then stood on the streets that cold November day and cheered me on wildly.  It was those cheers that helped push me to the finish line.  

I know I won't see your face there this time around, but you will be in my heart. With each step memories flood back. Moments I have long forgotten.  They bring a smile to my face and a tear to my eye.  You taught me to never give up and so even when it get's hard I am going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and cross that finish line for you.  

I love you and I miss you.

Love,
Jennifer 

healing happens

Grief has a way of knocking you to your feet and making you feel like you will never be able to stand again.  It is paralyzing and deep.  You lose track of which way is up and which is down.  The darkness closes in and you forget what the light feels like. 

Grief has this way of taking over. 

When my mom passed I fell down the rabbit hole of grief and I never thought I would be able climb my way out.  My heart physically hurt and a constant stream of tears fell from my eyes.  It was a pain that I thought no one could heal.

Over time healing happens.  

In moments that you least expect it arrives gently.  A hand reaching out to hold yours.  Sitting with a friend and spilling your heart open. Gathering with family.  The sound of the ocean waves.  Finding feathers.  Seeing signs of her all around. 

Healing seeps into your heart and soul.  It reminds you that you are ok.  That you can make it through this.  That yes it hurts, and always will, but you can still keep stepping forward.  You can feel the sunshine on your skin and enjoy it. She would want you to do just that.