motherless

It was three years ago that my world changed forever.  Changed in a way I never thought would happen at that stage in my life.  Yes, I knew one day I would be motherless but I never knew that day would arrive before I turned 35.  Before I ever got married. Before I had any children.  Before we ever had to have the conversation about "going into a home" which she always joked about. 

I thought there was time.  

I thought there was so much time.  But time is a funny thing.  We feel like we have endless amounts of it and then it is taken away from us and we cannot comprehend what just happened.  

And now here I stand; a daughter without a mother.  There is a huge piece of my heart missing and I know that no matter what I do it will never be filled.  Only my mom could heal that space and she will never get the chance to.  

It wasn't always rainbows and butterflies.  

My mom and I had our fair share of differences.  But as I grew older, we grew closer.  She became more than my mom but my friend.  She arrived at my doorstep with chicken soup when I wasn't feeling well.  She always checked in to see how I was doing.  Made my my favorite meal on my birthday.  And there were many nights spent crafting or roaming the aisles of TJ Maxx trying on the most ridiculous hats.  

There was laughter and inside jokes.  Family dinners and trips down the shore.  There was love, lots and lots of love and so many memories made.  

As I come upon this three year anniversary, motherless I will continue to share the stories.  I will share the laughter and even the moments when she would drive me crazy.  It is in this sharing that I feel closest her.  I appreciate it when people ask me about my mom, when I am reminiscing about her, and when individuals do not shy away from these types of conversations. 

I may be motherless but my mom lives on forever inside me.