how two words can change your life, forever

For as long as I roam around on earth there is a story that will play on repeat in my head.  The story of how two words shattered my heart and changed my life.  This is a tale I never thought I would have to tell.  Yet here I stand, telling it again and again.  

It is two years later and I am still picking up the pieces of that broken heart.  I am trying to put it back together again but like a plate that busted as it hit the floor there are a few missing pieces that can't be found.  You glue the plate back together, but it is never the same.  Yes, it is usable but the cracks are visible and you know you have to be a little extra gentle each time you use it.  

This is how my heart feels.  

You may not be able to see the missing pieces but I can feel them and I know I need to be tender.  Especially in this moments when the memories come flooding back and those two words play over and over again in my mind.  

Stage four

Two words that if spoken separately provoke no concern. but when you string them together everything changes.  Hearts break.  Worlds come crumbling down.  Life as you know it becomes changed forever.  

He and I stood outside the hospital room as the Doctor was talking to my parents and I didn't want to bust in and interrupt.  My mom had been rushed their earlier in the day and we had little details of what was wrong.  She has just battled breast cancer and my initial thought was maybe she wasn't feeling well because of the radiation.  As we stood in the hallway waiting the door of the hospital room closed and my heart sank.  I felt helpless and afraid.  

Waiting for what felt like an eternity my mind quickly ran through every worse case possible scenario.  Yet none of these scenarios prepared me for what I was about to hear.  Stage four.  The cancer has spread to her liver and her lungs.  

I felt as if someone had completely drained the oxygen from my entire body and I was unable to breath.  I stood in front of the one women who protected me my entire life and my immediate instinct was to do whatever I could to protect her.  I did not want her to feel the fear that was swirling inside of me.  I did not want her to know the millions of questions I had no answers to.  I did not want her to see me cry.  I stood there, being as brave as I could concentrating only on the next immediate moment in front of me and not letting my mom see my crumbling heart.  

As we walked outside the hospital I was deflated.  How could this have happened?  A mere few weeks ago we just celebrated her being "cancer free".  What was going on?  I felt exhausted and drained.  

"At least it is stage four" he said. 

I looked at him quizzically.  "Stage four is the worst" I replied.  

And even though it was heartbreaking in that moment it was those two words that made me smile.  I realized that even in the hardest of moments there is love and compassion.  He just wanted to be there for me and make it better.  Even though he knew he couldn't stop the pain he wanted me to know that he was there for me.  As we stood next to each other I knew that I was about to face one of the hardest journey's of my life but I wasn't going to have to do it alone.  Together we would navigate this newly shattered heart.  

what I don't want to forget from She Recovers NYC

This past weekend I attended the She Recovers NYC conference.  When I first saw the posting about it I was immediately drawn to it and my heart said yes.  I did not waste any time contemplating.  I checked the dates and signed up.  Something deep inside was telling me I needed to be there, even though I didn't know why.    

I showed up, alone.  Unsure of what to expect or what I was even getting myself into.  I made a promise to keep my heart open and lean deeply in.  I am grateful for this weekend.  For the moments that unfolded, the words that touched me, and the people that were there.  Before any story slips away I want to jot them down so I can hold onto them forever.  

What I don't want to forget from this weekend is:

• The way Amy and Jen scooped me up and invited me in.  And how even when we lost track of one another we found each other.    
• A room full of 500 kick ass women who have been through the ringer and who have chosen to show up, do the work, and stand in their truth and in their light.  There is so much power in this.  
• Lunch conversation and the incredible women who opened up their hearts and shared their stories with pure honest conviction.  They were not stories of rainbows and butterflies.  They were dark, hard moments.  But they shared the truth of these stories without judgment or shame.  
•  The moments I rushed back to the hotel room and the moments I allowed myself to slow down and be present with my surrounding.  A reminder to slow down more often.  
• Seeing people who looked just like someone else I know.  There is something to this.  I just can't put my finger on it yet.  
• Experiencing two deeply intentional and spiritual yoga classes.  It wasn't about getting physically fit.  It was about getting stronger in your mind, body, and spirit.  I know that this is the type of work that I want to do in the yoga community.  
• Learning that the details of the story do not matter as much as how you use the pain.    
• Hearing Elena Brower read words read from Prayers of Honoring by Pixie Lighthorse and see how my circles are really connected.  
• Getting lost, so very lost.  But finding my way.  
• And these words

"Your sensitivity is your greatest gift.  It is what you will use to set the world on fire". - Glennon Doyle Melton

"Move beyond the duality of either/or and hold the "and" - Nikki Myers

"Part of going through life with empathy is understanding it is not about you". - Elizabeth Vargas

"It's not up to me what I have to go through.  It's up to me how I handle it". - Gabby Bernstein

Sometimes there is a simple calling, an immediate "yes".  And we dig deep into our hearts and trust that yes even though we have no idea why we are trusting it. That is what this weekend was.  A moment of trusting the "yes".  I am so glad that I did.  As I continue to process I am sure more stories will unfold but I want to leave you with one last thought.  

This journey called life is not a solitary expedition. We are not here to hash through it alone.  First lean deeply into yourself and get to know who you are at the core.  Then reach your hand out and invite others in.  When you share the truth of who you are, you encourage others to do the same and you will see that you are not alone, ever.  

you are not alone

If there is one thing I could tell you in this moment it would be that you are not alone.  I know there are times when it may feel that way.  You think no one understands you and you are on an island.  But here is the thing.  You are not.  

You are not alone

There are individuals who love and adore you.  They are cheering you on.  They want to see you smile.  They care deeply about it.  I know when you are in the thick of it, it is hard to see that they are there.  But they are.  

Do not hesitate to reach out.  They want to help you.  They want to be there for you.  Sometimes people don't know you are going through something until you tell them.  Don't be shy.  Share your heart.  Be vulnerable.  Be brave.  When you do this others see your strength.  They feel your heart.  And they lean deeply in.  

We are all human and we have the same feelings and emotions.  We may not all go through the same experiences, but we understand the feelings.  We know what hurt, disappointment, fear, love, and sadness feels like.  When we see others hurting, we want to help.  

So remember.  You are not alone, ever.  

choosing me

And the time came when you knew that you had to drop all of the balls you were juggling and you had to start taking care of yourself. Because no one else was going to do it for you.  Because now is as good a time as any to start.  Because even when you don't know where or how to begin you simply put one foot in front of the other and take that first step forward.  

It is time for me to show up for myself.  I have been making to many choices that don't feed my soul.  The cold winter months have left me stagnant and I haven't been moving my body as much as it craves and desires.  I know that I need to take time for myself.  I need to choose with intention and develop a new way of living.  

And so I begin.  One foot in front of the other.  Making conscious decisions and choosing with my whole heart.  I have Tone It Up to thank for the push that I needed to get myself into the game.  Their Bikini Series plan came right when I was struggling the most and wasn't sure how to crawl myself out of the rabbit hole.  

But here I am climbing out.  Taking time to shop for healthy foods.  Prepping them ahead of time so I have something to take for lunch and no excuses for not making dinner.  I am back to waking up early and moving my body.  It feels so good to be in motion again.  I am also drinking more water, journling more often, and remembering why I am choosing to live this way.

It's about feeling strong and having more energy.  Looking at myself in the mirror and being able to smile at the girl looking back at me.  It's about pushing myself to my edge and knowing that I can overcome the challenge.  It's about showing up day after day.  Seeing food as fuel and intentionally eating.  It's about setting goals and chasing after them.  It's about life and wanting to take care of this one body that I have.  

This isn't a sprint.  It is a life long journey. For me this journey is about balance and not completely restricting myself from the things I enjoy.  Will I still eat ice cream?  Of course, but not every day.  And will I slip up?  Of course.  I am human.  But that doesn't mean I can't get back up again and keep going on the path I am traveling.  

So here I am.  Choosing to move in the direction that I want to go in.  Taking my life into my hands and making the decisions that are best for me.  I am putting myself first and choosing to love myself on this journey.  I am giving myself space to bloom.  And I am showing up each and every day, for me.  

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How about you?  How are you choosing to show up for yourself?  What ways are you making space for yourself to bloom?

"and the world spins madly on"

My friend recently lost her mom.  Upon hearing the news my heart was filled with so much love for her.  I could relate to that strange feeling where you knew your life was changed forever, yet you couldn't grasp that it was actually true.  

I remember standing in the coffee shop days after learning the severity of my own mom's diagnosis of stage 4 cancer.  The world was spinning madly on and I couldn't understand how that was possible.  Life as I knew it was crumbling around me and yet there were people going about their day to day activity.  Didn't they know that I was on the verge of being changed forever?  Couldn't they see the sadness in my eyes?  Did they not feel the hurt spilling from my heart?  They rushed passed me, not even noticing that I was there.  

When you are in this deep phase of sadness every day task's take an incredible amount of effort to complete.  Before you would wake up and brush your teeth as if you were on autopilot.  But within the grief you need to literally push yourself out of bed and force yourself to do something so ordinary.  It is as if everything has slowed down and you are living in a thick cloud of fog.  

I stood in the coffee shop this morning.  Consciously choosing to tuck my phone into my pocket and look around.   I know nothing of the lives of the individuals sharing this space with me.  I don't know what they did right before they arrived here or where they were going after.  For someone their life could be changing and I would become that person rushing past them.  

We never know what someone else is going through.  We do not know if they just had the best moment of their life or if they are struggling to complete an ordinary task like ordering a cup of coffee.  This realization is a reminder to always treat people with kindness.  Have patience with strangers, and be willing to cut people some slack and give them the benefit of the doubt.  

That person driving erratically past you; maybe they are on the way to the hospital for that last moment with their loved one.  Sure it looks and feels like and ordinary day for you but for them their is nothing ordinary about it.  

Together let's remember to open our hearts a little bit wider and choose kindness.  Smile at strangers, hold the door open, say please and thank you.  It is these simple gestures that bring peace and calm to those who are in the haze, and it also brings more love to our world. This world could use all the love that people are willing to give it.  Let's fill it with hearts!

:: A little musical inspiration which inspired the title of this post ::

"World Spins Madly On" by The Weepies from Say I Am You

you need to find the love within you first

And the day came when you knew that love was there,
you just had to be strong enough to look for it
and brave enough to let it in
Because in fact it was around you always
you just weren't ready to see it
You had your blinders on
Your heart was closed, your soul was heavy
You thought the world was out to get you
and you lead with an iron fist
But somewhere along the way you began to soften
Speaking kind words of gratitude and compassion to yourself
The sun began to sparkle
The blue sky radiated
You had a little bit of a pep in your step
and although you didn't know why
you knew you couldn't continue to travel the way you used to
You had to put down your baggage
You had to begin a brand new kind of self talk
You had to dig deep inside and work to unearth your own confidence
No one was going to build you up, 
you needed to do that on your own
And so you did
Piece by piece
Moment by moment
You put yourself back together again
And when you looked in the mirror you actually loved who was looking back
It took work
Many tears
And lots of frustration
But you found your path
Your very own path
And you knew how to travel down it, because you were the one creating it
Your inner spark was lit
and a brand new love story was born
A story of kindness, hope, and deep self love
You unearthed the you that was there all along
The one hidden under the rubble
And you realized that life is so much more beautiful when you choose happiness
When you choose to be brave and stand up for what you believe in
When you choose YOU
And yes, it still takes work
And there are still struggles and tears
But you know it is worth it, so very worth it
Because love is all around
But you have to find it in yourself before you can see it anywhere else