when avoidance is holding you back

You cannot expand into the present moment if you are carrying the past around with you. 

The bills from the emergency room arrive in the mailbox and I intentionally toss them to the side.  I pretend that if I avoid them they will go away.  Isn't that way it works with problems?  Seeing them strikes a visceral reaction.

The first is anger.  Did they really need to call an ambulance?  I was fine.  Why the stretcher?  Why the embarrassment?  Why this incredible bill for what I see as nothing.  

The second bill reminds me of my carelessness.  Another visit to the emergency room.  Why did I think it was a good idea to remove a staple with a knife?  How did I ever think that was going to end well.  

The notices continue to arrive and it finally hits me that I cannot keep tossing them to the side.  I have been carrying around this cloud of regret and it feels like a heavy weight on my shoulders.  If I want to expand into the radical life of my dreams I need to face the baggage that I have been dragging along.  These bills are stuffed deep into one of those bags.  

I finally release myself from the guilt and feel a little bit more free.

It is not easy to face what I have been avoiding.  Avoidance feels like the easy way out, but really it is what has been keeping me behind.  I needed to release. I needed stop pretending and face the truth.

There is more baggage that I am carrying around.  More things I have been avoiding.  I have a dear friend who reminded me of something I have been avoiding since my mom passed away.  I need to schedule a mammogram.  I did the first part; I got the prescription.  But I have yet to pick up the phone and make the appointment.  What is holding me back?  Why do I continue to avoid?  I have let a year and half lapse.   

We both agreed that on Monday I am making the call.  And when I go to try to avoid it she will pick up the phone and dial the numbers for me.  It helps to have an accountability partner.  Someone who won't let you slide.  Someone who will be by your side when you are to afraid to do it alone.

Sometimes the thing we are most afraid to face is the thing that is holding us back from shining our inner light.  We hold on.  We pretend.  We tell ourselves a story that isn't true and we make it hard for ourselves to move forward.  But here is the thing.  You are the one who is in control of what happens next.  You can choose to face it, release yourself of it's chains, and move forward.

I want to expand.  I want to grow.  I want to live a deeply rich, intentional life.  In order to that I have to face what I am avoiding.  And so I begin. Right here, right now.  Because today is as good a day as any to take that first step forward.   

signs are all around

There are signs of her all around.  They show up in the most unexpected places and make me smile.  Even though she isn't here in person I can feel her everywhere.  She is with me in everything I do.  

She was a collector of feather's.  A believer that they were from heaven.  On the window ledge above her kitchen sink sat a blue jar that I never much paid attention to.  It wasn't until after her passing that I noticed she had placed all of the feathers she had collected inside this jar.  

A few years ago on an adventure together in Brooklyn she opened her heart and shared with me that she collects feathers.  When she was younger her sister had passed and ever since her passing she had said that each time she saw one she knew it was a sign from the other side.  A reminder that she was never alone. 

I never knew this about my mom and it was touching to get this glimpse into her heart.  But even then I didn't pay much attention to the blue jar on the ledge above her sink and let the story of the feathers slip away.  

When my mom was close to the end I walked out of her house and there were feathers scattered on the back lawn.  I went to take a closer look and noticed there were others on the front lawn.  In fact the house was surrounded by feathers and to my surprise there were none to be found next door.  

Was this a sign from heaven? Were they calling her up and letting us know that she would be ok?  

The signs continue to show up and each time they do it warms my heart and makes me smile.  I miss her more than words can describe, but seeing a feather makes me feel a little bit closer to her.  They are a reminder that she is always near.  

That little blue jar still sits on the windows ledge and another feather collector has been created.  Each one he sees he picks up and adds to her.  A reminder that we are all connected.  

love notes postcard project round 18 wrap up

Your words matter, even when you share them with someone that you do not know.  I have seen this happen first hand through the Love Notes Postcard Project.  Words arriving at just the right time from someone you have never met.  A postcard sitting next to your bills inside your mailbox reminding  you of the hope and love that shines through the world.  A single sentence letting you know that you aren't alone.  These words remind us of our humanness.  

WHAT YOU SHARE WITH THE WORLD SHINES THROUGH YOU.

When you share words of hope, love, and encouragement you begin a ripple effect of goodness.  You may never know the full effect they have but I can guarantee you that they have made someone smile.  Words are powerful.  They help us connect.  They break down walls and provide us space to heal.  

When I first started the Love Notes project I had no idea if people who actually take a chance on it.  Who would be brave enough to write to a stranger?  Who would trust this process?  Little did I know that the love and connection I was craving others were craving as well.

Hundreds of people from all over the world have opened their hearts and sent a postcards to a stranger.  Connections have formed and friendships have blossomed all from a words on a postcard, yes as simple as that.

Here we are 18 rounds in and my heart as grown immensely.  I have seen so much kindness from strangers which reminds me that there is an incredible amount of good in this world.  Even when things feel chaotic and crazy people are willing to share why they believe in the universe, how they tend to their soul, and what love is.  These simple prompts provide a jumping off point for deep heartfelt words spilling onto the page.  

And so we begin with pen in hand, an open mind, and a sliver of hope.  We spread our joy and light.  In doing this we encourage others to do the same.  

How do you share your love?  What way do you show up in the world and connect with others?  Looking for an easy way to begin?  Send a postcard to someone.  Let me know how much they mean to you.  Share your favorite memory together.  Simply say "I see you".  

And remember; words connect us.  

because you must love yourself first

And the day came when you had to look at yourself in the mirror and say:

I love you, all of you

Because as the old adage goes you must love yourself first.  

As I sat alone in my studio apartment admits the carnage of relationships past I knew I had yet to fully love myself.  In fact I didn't even know who this girl looking back at me in the mirror was.  I followed along with what others wanted to do.  I kept my opinions to myself.  I stayed quiet.  I chose being alone over going out.  

I was hesitant in my own footing.  Unsure of who I was and what moved me.  This was no way to live.  But when you are deep in it you don't know that.  I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, moving through life blindly.  

After he left everything changed.  The chains that were holding me down were no longer and I needed to figure out who I was and what I wanted to do.  When you are faced with nothing but yourself you learn a lot about who you are. 

I jumped in head first on a mission to get to know what ignited my spark.  I didn't know where I was going, or what I was doing.  All I knew was that it was time to save my own life.  

What transpired was LOVE! 

As I unearthed who I was I saw that I actually loved the person that was hidden underneath.  I had a voice to offer.  Opinions, inspiration, kindness.  There was so much that I didn't know was there and I knew it was going to be a long journey to find her.  I was in it for the long haul.  

I love who I am.  The writer, the dreamer, the hopeful spirit who is always seeking out the good in others.  I love bringing people in close and learning about who they are and what moves them.  I love the adventure of life.  You never know what the next turn will bring.  I love the opportunity to explore my own path and unearth my own way forward.  

Love is something that happens only when you are open enough to let it in.  When you spend the time to discover what is true, what is real, what is raw.  Love must be nourished and tended to. 

I now know how important self love is.  I must love the person looking back at me in the mirror.  I need to cherish her with my whole heart and be her biggest supporter.  No one will ever believe in me, unless I believe in myself.  

I stand here today sure of who I am.  I am ready to take on anything that comes my way.  I am not afraid of a challenge.  I know it takes work to make things happen.  Knowing who I am, I know what I am capable of.  

I stand here with a heart full of love.  For the person I am and the person I am destine to grow into.  

What is it you love most about YOU?  How do you shine brightly in this world?

knowing when to say YES!

And the day came when you had to say yes
When you knew you weren't 100% ready,
but you also knew you never would be
You were as prepared as you could
And you were ready to take the leap

So you said YES!
Leaping into the unknown
Unsure of what it would bring
But feeling so strongly in your gut
that this is where you needed to be
You followed your heart and bravely stepped forward

There was no fanfare
There was no big celebration
It was a micro movement that shifted everything inside you
Saying yes opened up your heart
And let you start believing in yourself again

Others didn't notice the shift
It was going to take time
Mountains needed to be climbed
New terrain was going to be trekked over
You would fall down more times than you could count

Yet each time you got back up you were stronger
Standing taller, reaching further than you ever thought
You were navigating your own path
Carving out your own destiny
Finding your own way home

What you felt on the inside began to shine on the outside
You attracted like minded individuals to you
There they stood, cheering you on
Your open heart and brave soul inspired others
As you took the reigns and made your dreams come true

And now you can't imagine living on the sidelines
You are deep on the path, always looking for new adventures
You know the feat that comes with saying YES, and you still have it
but you also know the joy and brilliance that opens up when you do
So you take the risk

You are a beacon of light
You cast hope and inspiration out into this world
You know that you have to live out loud
And each day you prepare yourself to do just that
Your shining light helps others to shine

Keep bravely stepping forward
Keep taking the long way home and enjoying the view
Keep asking questions
and challenging what does not sit right with you
Keep connecting and learning from others
This is your one precious life, keep saying YES to it!

what story are you holding deep inside?

I am grateful for my journal.  For the way it holds my heart without any judgment.  Each time I sit down to write a new story spills onto the page.  A story that I have held close but have been afraid to share.  My journal is my sacred space to release into.  It gives me the freedom to tell the truth, the whole scary truth.  

I am often surprised by the stories I am carrying around with me.  I feel as if I have let them go but then they resurface and an entirely new layer is revealed.  For survival I patch my heart up, again and again.  Tending to the immediate bleeding but sometimes not taking time to tend to the deep wound that has developed.  

Often times these wounds surface in my dreams and I turn to my journal to work through them.  The other night I dreamt of my mom sitting on my couch after recently getting through her cancer treatments and telling me that the cancer has come back and it was looking bleak.  My heart broke as these words fell from her lips.  

When I awoke I was immediately transported back to the moment that Dustin and I were standing outside of her hospital room the day she was rushed there because she was struggling to breath.  The doctor was with her so we didn't want to barge in.  He saw us standing in the hall having no idea who we were and he closed the door.  

We waited and waited in that hallway unsure of what was going on, my heart un ready for what I was about to learn.  The cancer had spread to her lungs, her liver, and possibly her bones.  What?  How could this be possible?  We had just recently celebrated her being "cancer free".  

Grief is a long and slow healing process.  

One that I deal with each and every single day in some capacity.  I keep stepping forward because I know I have to, but my heart is heavy and more often than not the tears are on the verge of spilling.  

As Dustin and I walked out of the hospital that night I quietly clung onto his hand.  "At least it is stage four" he said to me.  As those words spilled from his lips I couldn't help but chuckle.  It was obvious he had no idea that stage four was the worst and he was just trying to comfort me.

It has been a little under two years since I lost my mom and the wound runs deep.  I still can't believe that she is gone and cling to every single story that we wrote together.  I heal a little bit each day, but do not think that I will ever be fully healed.  

It is our stories that make us who we are.  We can dwell in them or we can learn from them.  In some capacity we always carry them around with us.  What story are you holding deep inside?  What words are looking to be spilled out onto the page?