smiling

Have you ever felt your heart smile from the inside?

A smile so wide and expansive that your body parts seem to lose control of themselves

Your feet dance with each step you take

Doing moves you did not even know you

possessed

Your mind playing a song that only you can hear

A song of pure bliss

Your eyes radiate happiness

And you feel as if you can see again

You notice the beauty in the world that has always surrounded you

You cannot help but smile

In fact your cheeks hurt from smiling so wide

Have you ever felt this way?

This is exactly how I feel today

Silence

Ramapo Reservation ~ taken with yo

u

Silence has filled the space between you and I

Until that day when we ran into one another

You pose the standard question to me

"How are you?"

Respectfully you pause just long enough to hear the standard answer

"Good"

I say

Such a silly question for a moment like this

After all we have been through

This is what it comes down to

The words that tumble out of my mouth do not even matter

I could have said my world was falling apart

I am being ripped at the seams

You would have offered your

condolences

A kind glance

Then you would turn and walk away

Silence engulfing me as your footsteps faded down the hallway

Or I could have said that my life is great

Things haven't been better

I am filled with joy and happiness

You would nod your head

And kindly say "great to hear"

Then you would turn and walk away

Silence engulfing me as your footsteps faded down the hallway

You would not celebrate my success with me

or comfort me in my sorrow

No matter what my reply was to your question

You would still turn around and walk away

It may have been best

If you never asked the question at all

If you just nodded and said "Hi Jen"

Like all the other times we passed each other in the hall

Then silence would not engulf me as you kept walking

Right down the hall

sharing our stories

Oregon Coast, October 2009

I have always struggled with speaking

I get tounge tied

My words come out rushed

My thoughts mixed up

My voice never loud enough

Always leaving people saying "what"

and me feeling frustrated

But give me a pen and a piece of paper

and it flows out of me

My thoughts more elegant on this medium

I can say how I feel

And it comes out easily

However

Right now, in this moment

With pen in hand

I am unable to say how I feel

I cannot seem to find the right words

My hand is tounge tied

I am blown away

Comepletly blown away

I am the witness of an unearthing

of an

incredible soul

Showing the world her brave, authentic beautiful self

The one I see

Every time I look at her

I never before called myself a writer

Sure, I wrote all the time

Always jotting thoughts down

in my private journal

As a child more drawn to the card

than the actual gifts

during my birthday

But me, a writer

I never would have used that word

Until recently

Dear

Mindy

has made me feel

Like I am a writer

That thought blows me away

I, somehow, cracked her open

and she infused me

with a word I have been struggling with

WRITER

It is amazing what two people

can do for one another

Even from such a distance

It reminds me

To never stop sharing my story

All of us need to share our own stories

I can

listen

Listen

Closely

Intently

To that whisper

You know the one

The one that tugs

At your heart

That you feel

Deep in your soul

The one that

Leaves you swirling

In happiness

When you listen

Listen to this little voice

It is your guide

On your path

To your most authentic sel

f

Deep within

Puebla, Mexico

I did not even realize it was in me

A simple conversation

Both parties disagreeing

My pen running itself across the paper

to think through the discussion

I began on one thought

But my pen would not let it stay there

Fiercly words poured out from my heart

I wrote about something deeper

Something I did not even know I was so connected to

As my pen moved across the pages

tears welled up in my eyes

I could not hold them in

They poured down my cheeks

I knew I had emotions attached to this

But I never realized how passionate I was

How deeply it touched me

How much I felt

I never knew all of this was hidden

right below the surface

My pen wrote it out of me

Eyes open

I bring myself to the table

with my heart on my sleeve

I hug you

Tell you I love you

and try to show you

that life is not perfect

Sometimes it is plain awful

We get dragged through the mud

and we are not sure

how to pick ourselves back up

but we can do it

As human beings we are so strong

So powerful

and so brave

I show you my tears

I laugh with you

I take chances

I put myself out there

I live with my eyes open

In hopes to open yours