This Place

I feel like I haven't been here in so long

This place, it feels different

It doesn't feel like mine

If these walls could talk they would ask me where I have been.

I have been gone from here, but...

I have been out making connections

Embracing the love from others

Creating new memories with family

I have been soaring high

Feeling brave

Sharing the love that resides in my heart

Opening up, spreading my wings

I have put myself out there

I have gained so much

Connected

Observed

Healed

but, I long to create

I long to be right here in my magical cottage

Diving into what resides in my heart

Splattering paint all over my hands

Getting the words that are swirling around in my head onto paper.

I long to fully explore my inner muse

Balance

I need to find a balance

between love, connections, and my inner heart

I need to find a balance 

between what is out there and what is hidden in here

A balance between you doing what you love and me besides you, covered in paint exploring

I need.....

My heart on paper

Ramapo Reservation

I stand here staring at my shadow

Trying to be sure of myself

Trying to fall freely into what I see ahead of me

I struggle sometimes

I have never been here before

I have never been surrounded by so much love

At times I wonder if I am handling it with the care it deserves

I am afraid it will crumble 

I am afraid I will fall

Never have I felt like I was in the center of someones universe, and they in mine

Never have I felt so strong

Never have I felt so much

The kindness and love that swirls around me is intoxicating

It breathes strength into my weakened bones

And takes away the gloom during these dark days

The conversation is enthralling

The eyes are calming

I feel brave

I feel like myself

I worry that I don't show how I feel well enough

I worry that I lack any sense of expressing my true emotions

I worry that I won't feel like I am enough or can give enough

The struggle seems endless sometimes

A constant battle between my heart and my head

I am healing

I am growing

I am observing 

I feel strong

I can see my dreams more clearly

I smile more

I am surrounded by amazing people

I am standing tall

I try

Ramapo Reservation

"I try

but it's hard to believe

I try

but I can't see what you see

I try.  I try. I try

My whole world is changing

I don't know where to turn"

*Jonatha Brooke, I'll Try

Maybe

 Aquarium in Boston

Maybe, just maybe I am not meant to put it out there 

Maybe that time has come and is gone

Maybe extending a hand of friendship is strangling,

not allowing for a breath of fresh air to enter.  

Maybe I will never know what I should have done

Maybe I will eventually learn to surrender to the mystery of it all

Maybe as time passes we both heal and find something different from each other.

Or maybe this is the end of the road, 

our time to say goodbye

Maybe, just maybe

Rambling Thoughts at Night

New Paltz NY, heart opening hike

My heart yearns to say a million things.  To express emotions that have come and gone and to make you understand decisions and choices I have made.  Yet, you are you . . . so beautifully you, and I am me . . . so stubborn and set in my ways.  I long for beauty, connection, complete openness.  I want to see the messy parts of you and I want you to see them in me as well.  I want both of us to feel that this is ok.  Those are the pieces that when put all together make you so wonderful and the reason I love you so much!

Don't hide from me.  Tell me what you are scared of.  Together we will face it.  What makes you happy?  What inspires you? What moves you?  I want to know.  I would love to get a glimpse into that world of yours and feel a piece of how you feel when you are in it.  Don't shy away from this.  Feel it.  Feel it besides me.  Open up your heart to me.  Talk to me, really talk to me.  Set your fears free in the presence of me.  Explore this beautiful world with me.  Laugh, sing, dance.

Stop for a moment and take it in with me.  Do you feel the beauty?  I know sometimes you get scared.  I do too.  But let's not hide it from each other.  It is tough being scared alone - but when you have someone to lean on things don't seem so terrible.  Lean on me baby, let me be your rock.  

Smile with me, let go with me, jump into the unknown with me.  If you take the risk, walk along side me, and hold my hand, maybe I won't be so afraid to step out of my shell.  Help me stand tall, put myself out there, and leap.  I want to spread my wings to the world - but I do need some help, some strength when I am down.  I need you to help me stand when I fall and guide me back when I stray.  I just need to know you are there.  

I need someone understanding of my changing moods in darkening days, or a need to explore, create, roam, and be alone.  I want to do things on my own - but have you nearby as well, and close to my heart.  

I am not sure how to explain it or how to balance it.  I don't want to always be in the shadows nor always the center of it all.  I need to express myself more.  Stand tall, not be fearful, put myself out there.  I need to FLY!  Even if you are not around to catch me if I fall.  

Enjoyment

Enjoying the connection of others

Soaking in the goodness of family

Comfort, friendship, love

All wrapped together

Like a precious gift.  

The simple things in life taking a front seat

Grabbing hold of the wheel

And steering me into the right direction.

Lucky, 

I sure am lucky

Just looking around I can feel it

I can sense it

Goodness have enveloped me.