moments

When your mom passes away you feel like the whole world should stop, but it doesn't
Instead it buzzes around you in it's usual fashion
And you can't make sense of it
What once was an every day activity becomes a chore to complete
It feels like work to get out the door
Everything seems fuzzy and nothing is right

There moments when you can't tell up from down
Tears flow from your eyes at a moments notice
Standing in the line at the grocery store feels like it takes hours
Your chest constrains and you think you can't breathe
You have to get out of there instantly
And you are not even sure why

This new "normal" was nothing you ever expected
You weren't ready for this and you don't know how you will weather the storm
So you do the one thing you know how to do
You grab a piece of paper and a pen
And you write every memory you can remember
You do not want to forget a single moment

The way you held her hand in those final hours
The scent of the shampoo as you washed her hair
The sound of her voice as she cheered for you from down the street
The deep embrace
The moment she sat on the couch across from you and opened up
You want to hold onto it all

You tuck each memory in your pocket
Saving it for the moment you need it most
And a smile forms across your face because there are so many good memories
So much light and happiness
Corny jokes and backyard gatherings
Her life wasn't as long as you wished it to be, but it was full of goodness


 

the words spilled

There are no words she said
And then she turned to a blank page and it all spilled out
The heartache
The anger
The sadness
The pain
It flowed like a rushing river and she did not know how to control it
The page caught everything she was bottling up
It held it all gently and allowed space for her to break free
There was no judgment or harsh criticism
Just a moment in time for a well needed release
She spilled out her hopes and spoke her fears
She was honest and raw
The tears spilled 
And she was so grateful to let it all out.  

this moment

This moment
When the sun is shining
The air is warm
Laughter fills the space
We walk hand in hand around the lake
We dream up future ideas
Reminisce about the past
Soak in each others love
We have no idea what is about to come
We have no idea that in a few short days our lives will change forever
But it does
And in a state of shock we stand
Unsure of the future 
Plowing full steam ahead
Searching for answers
Making call after call
Not giving up, ever
Because we are in this moment
And we want it to last forever
So we fight the fight 
Stand along side one another
Breathe in the fresh air
And keep stepping forward

change

Nothing stays the same forever, nope nothing
We can hope and wish that it will
We can pray and dream
But in the end we have no control
Moments happen when we least expect them
And our life is changed, in an instant
Most times we do not see it coming
Like a flash of lighting it strikes
Leaving us on an edge with feelings of uncertainty
The darkness drags us down
And we are unable to see the light on the other side
But after the storm clears and the dust settles
We pick up the pieces
And find a new "normal"
We navigate the uneven terrain and discover what moves us
Yes, nothing does stays the same forever
But that is a good thing
Change brings about new opportunity
A chance to try again
A freedom to let go and really seek
It may feel like a kick in the gut
Yet it is the chains being unshackled
That allow us the opportunity to find what we truly want

she said

She said to just take the first step
To go in slow 
Find my footing
See where each step takes me

She said to not feel rushed
Take my time
Listen to the sound of my heart
And go in the direction that I am most called to

She said that it would all be ok
If I stayed true to me
If I let the world see who I am
If I stood firmly in my own decisions

She said to not allow fear to paralyze me
To keep showing up 
Push through
Be open to what unfolds

She said said that I can't give up
Not now, not ever
That I must always push myself through the struggles
And see where I end up

She said that I could do this
I listened deeply
Leaned in closed
And finally began to believe

do over

If I could go back and do it all over again I would spend more time building myself up then knocking myself down.  I made it so much harder than it had to be.  Seeking ways to fit in instead of finding what truly moved me.  I would worry less about what other people thought and care more about what made my heart sing.  I would accept my mistakes and not travel deep into the depths of their dispart.  I would love myself more, speak to myself with kindness and compassion.  I would take time to see the love that was being extended to me.  I wouldn't push it away, but lean deeply into it.  

If I could back and do it all over again I would choose me first.  Before the boy, the party, then night of mischief.  I would show up only where I wanted and let my true light shine.  I would allow myself to sink into the darkness.  I would ask for help, and seek out guidance.  I would be so much kinder to myself.  Tend to my heart and lean deep in.  

Yes, it would be all about love if I could do it over again.