this thing called love

love....
I have been obsessed with it lately, especially after seeing the play Once
love....
It has been on my brain, and haunting me in my dreams
love.....
It is such a peculiar thing

What makes us love another?
How do we instantly know someone is something different?
What happens with love that we end up losing it?

I remember when I was single.  I went to the bookstore to meet a friend and saw a guy reading in the magazine section.  Instantly I was attracted to him.  There were many people in the bookstore that day, but for some reason he caught my attention.  Before we even spoke a word to one another I couldn't get him out of my mind.  I kept passing by to see if he was still there and we consistently made eye contact and smiled at one another.  I wanted to talk to him.  I wanted to get to know him.

What was it about him that I was instantly attracted to?  
Why with so many other people in the bookstore did my senses hone in on him?

Before Dustin and I met in person we had been chatting over the phone.  I had only seen photos of him, but wasn't exactly sure what he looked like.  As soon as he walked through the doors of the restaurant, without even knowing if it was him or not, I said to myself "If that is him, this is going to be so good."  It was just a feeling that my heart and mind had.  

What caused this instantaneous knowing?

Love is a feeling
It jolts you out of the ordinary and into a dream like state
It can make you feel so good, and so bad all within seconds of each other

Love is strong
It endures, yet it also falls apart
It is filled with a mixture of feelings

This thing called love gets the wheels in my mind wondering
It leaves me with more questions than answers
Yet it always has me trusting it, and falling deeply into it

Love makes the world go round
Love moves mountains and makes us do things we never dreamed of
Love is magical

This thing called love is the beginning of a conversation that I am diving into
Examining it, dreaming with it
And learning the dance that it endures

your heart beats on

Your heart is strong
It knows how to push on, get by, and get through
Your heart is so much tougher than you give it credit for
It can survive the deepest heartache and soak in incredible elation
Your heart loves laughter, joy, and deep emotion
It longs to connect, to be seen, to be tended to
Your heart is always whispering to you
Letting you know you are ok
Reassuring your mind with each decision you make
Your heart knows
It beats without question
It is there every step of the way
Even when it is struggling through deep pain and sorrow your heart beats on
It provides the rhythm for you to take your next step forward
It will catch you when you fall and help you stand back up
You heart never forgets how to love, but sometimes it is afraid to put itself on the line
Yet time after time it does, even in the face of fear
Lessons are learned, memories are made, and your heart grows stronger and stronger
Listen to it's inner whispers
Don't fear the pain that may come
Know that no matter what your heart will beat on
It may shatter, but it always comes back together again 
And it always knows how to love

transition

It was the middle of the night and our memories came crashing down, falling from the wall.  It startled both of us.  Awakening me from a deep dream state into the harsh reality of a future in flux.  I know we will only be in the space for a small moment of time, but my mind has not yet wrapped around the transition of what is to come.  There will be a new place to call home for a temporary period as dreams get built.  How does one settle in to a fleeting space?  What roots can be laid down upon knowing a years time they will be uprooted again.    

My home is my safe haven.  The place I go to dream up big ideas.  The place where I am most  comfortable being myself.  I laugh out loud.  Dance wildly.  Exercise with abandon and freely be me.  It is my comfort zone and my launching pad.  Ideas are birthed between the four walls.  Love is expanded and hearts open wider and wider.  People are invited in.  Celebrations occur, and life gets sweeter and sweeter. 

This move has not yet been fully comprehended in my mind.  I am filled with excitement, disbelief, and total denial that it is really happening.  But the days on the calendar are inching closer and closer to our goodbye.  There is no possible extension, or undoing of the choice we have made.  It is our path, and we are creating it. 

We will learn to live in transition.  Boxes may be half unpacked, but our hearts will still be open wide.  Between the walls of our temporary shelter we will continue to breathe life into new ideas.  We will push our dreams closer and closer to coming true, and we will live.  Even though we are building a future we know that we must be in the moment.  For tomorrow may not come, and I want to say I was here for today. 

ready to stand

Between the darkness there is light
I may stumble, and I will fall, but I have learned how to get back up
The words they speak are harsh
They stab deep into the heart
But I am navigating my own path
Each day I carve a piece of it, guiding me closer to my hearts desire
I am finding my inner light
And I no longer fear letting it shine
I am constantly seeking, searching, and never giving up
I will find my way
My voice will be heard
I will clear the path and shed light on a new way of thinking
To grow we must evolve and stand in that uncomfortable place
I am ready to stand

beginning again

I started the year off on the right foot.  I was putting things in order.  Planning the year ahead.  Packing for our move.  Getting ready to build a beautiful future.  

And then I went away for the weekend.  

Who ever thought that two nights far from home would throw my world upside down.  I arrived back exhausted.  Unsure of where to begin.  Spending long hours on the couch in and out of sleep.  I have been unable to find the energy to begin again.  

This upcoming weekend is jam packed.  I am need of downtime and don't see any space for it in the near future.   In 24 days we will be moving down the block into our love nest as our dream home is built.  Things will be in flux.  Pieces of our life will be packed away and others will be scattered about.  

I need to hit the reset button.  Start again.  Put my right foot in front of my left and keep moving.  I need to get back the energy I lost and find my path again.  The only way to do this is to get up off the couch and start.  So today I will do just that.  

The Christmas tree is still up.  The ornaments taunting me as I know they need to be packed away.  Maybe I will begin there.  One step at a time.  One foot in front of the other.  Beginning again, and again.  

your story is a gift

There is a great power in your story when you choose to share it with someone.  It take guts and courage.  And most likely it will be hard to get through. But it will heal your heart.  And in sharing your story others will feel less alone.  Knowing that others have traversed a similiar journey makes traveling the hard roads a little bit easier.  

We all struggle along the way, stumbling and falling, losing our balance.  The stories of others help to guide us home. They give us strength to go on because we see that it is possible to make it.  They provide inspiration, even when we are filled with doubt and deeply discouraged.  

Your story, YES!  YOUR STORY could heal someones heart.  

It could provide comfort, wisdom, and strength when they need it most.  

Now I know that telling the dark stories is hard, oh my goodness it is hard.  But these are the stories that we need to tend to.  They deserve kindness, reflection, and letting go.  In the telling of these stories we are able to give ourselves permission to forgive.  Forgive ourselves.  Forgive the decisions we have made.  Forgive those who hurt us.  

It is in the telling that we shed the thick layer of skin that we have built up over the years.  We thought it would protect us, but it has only created a barrier between the hurt and the path to  finding our joy.  In the telling of our story we are able to let go and start fresh.  

Story is a gift.  

It is an open path that we can choose to transform the ending.  Sure what has happened, has happened.  But we can rewrite the ending by choosing how we are going to hold the story going forward.  

Share your story.  Choose your ending.  Release the pain and step boldly onto your fresh new path.