Ramblings....

Why do woman have these secret gardens? These deep places inside filled with raw emotion, hurt, fear, and all the thoughts we over analyze?

I would do anything for someone I love. Give them whatever they needed for their happiness. I would let them into my heart, let them deep inside. I give without any expectations of anything in return. Possibly it is the motherly instinct inside me. I want the ones I love dearly to have the last bite, get the best piece of cake, have the best seat in the house, and to be able to fully enjoy it. I get enjoyment in knowing and watching them enjoy themselves.

But the secret garden holds the over analyzing. It takes over sometimes. Guys shut the door, no afterthoughts. What is done is done. What has happened, happened. The girl shuts the door and runs through every detail in her mind. Analyzing.

I want to stop analyzing the details. I want to experience the moment and all that comes from it. The analyzing gets me no where. Why do women thrive on it? Why not spend our conversations on more meaningful things? Yet, what is more meaningful than what is going on in our daily lives? I just think there is a different way to handle it.

I always try to live in the moment. My spontaneous nature has taken me on many wonderful adventures. However my giving nature has also restricted me from spending more time on myself. I feel selfish wanting to do things for my happiness...simple little things, like taking a walk. But I need these things. My life depends on it, and it makes me feel more fulfilled.

This month I am working on taking a walk each day. I always feel refreshed after a walk. I walk through my problems in my head and my mind feels lighter. I have also been working on my life list. So far I am up to 79 things. It will be posted soon. Putting it in writing makes it feel more real and gets my wheels turning in how to accomplish each one.

I have always known that my happiness was in my own hands, now I am taking more active steps to make myself feel more fulfilled.

Happy Birthday Tlalolini

Today is Christian's birthday and I feel we had an excellent day. We woke up early, and I cooked him a special birthday breakfeast from his own choosen menu. Then we packed up and headed to the Yankees Red Sox's Game at Yankee Stadium. We watched the Yankee's sweep the Red Sox's. Which was an absolute blast. We hung out after the game for awhile in the parking lot enjoying a beer and a sandwhich. Ended up missing most of the traffic. Came home to sing him happy birthday with his cake and played some guitar hero together. It was really a lot of fun. I hope he enjoyed it as much as I did. The simple things are sometimes the best.

Even though you cannot count the Yankees Red Sox's as simple things. Oh it was so fun! I never thought I would see a Yankees Red Sox's game. And I did. I love baseball, so for me this was a dream come true.

Happy Birthday Tlalolini!!

What a book!

I love to read. Normally I am reading three books at once and never get around to finishing all of them. However

Something Borrowed

really took over me. I was unable to put it down. Enjoying every moment of it and turning right back to the first page after it ended. It was one of those books that I never wanted to last forever. I just finished reading it and I wish the book store was open so that I could go out and get her next book.

If you have read it let me know so we can discuss it. I will be here, reading it again :)

Illusions

Today I had a conversation about friendship and honesty. We had two conflicting opinions. Although I do not agree with everything he thinks and feels, I can see where he is coming from. And I can't help but feel a little sad.

He believes that there is no such thing as 'the truth.' That things are here one day and then gone the next. When they are here we believe them to be true, but that dream gets shattered. For the moment it feels real, but the moment never last's forever. He even gave me an example of a past relationship. Saying how during that time I believed everything the person told me to be true, however now I do not accept any of those ideas as truth. Does that make those memories all a lie? Is that all an illusion, like he says?

He believes you come into this world alone and leave this world alone so the only person you need to really look after is yourself. I do believe we come in alone, and leave alone but it is the people who are with us along the way that make our experiences that much better. If we were alone for this entire journey just think of what a depressing thing this life would be.

He believes that there is no such thing as friendship. People are around for only a short amount of time, and the only people who really care about you is your family. My family has been there for me through so much, but so have some of my friends. Sure some have come and gone, but there are a precious few who have seen all sides of me and are still here for me.

He believes that everything in this world is an illusion. I asked him if he thought it was possible for him to find the perfect match. He said he was too young to believe that.

He seems to always be picking out the bad in others.

He seems to never really let anyone in. Jumping around leaving pieces of himself scattered about.

He seems to try and hide that he does not care what other think, but deep down inside he is aiming to fit in.

The conversation left me feeling a little bit sad inside. He claims to be extremely happy, but I am not sure that is true. I think it is really sad for someone to not believe in friendship or truth. I like to think people are good and that if you treat them well they will treat you well in return. We all have our moments when we are not honest and we build up illusions around us, however I think inherently we are honest individuals.

I know I cannot change how he thinks and feels, but I just hope he meets someone who is able to open his heart up to love and be able to show him what truth and friendship is really all about. It is not dark and dreary like he made it sound; rather it is comforting and absolutely wonderful.

Pictures

"They're about the memories you have of your life. It's like this: have you ever looked through an old photo album? Imagine finding a picture you haven't seen for a long time and you look at it and suddenly you're remembering, no you're seeing things that no camera on earth could capture."

"A picture is only a marker. It will never be the whole picture. That's not why we save pictures anyway. We keep them as a way of keeping ourselves, as a way of holding our stories safe. To look at a picture we have forgotten is to remember and Treasure that memory as a part of our lives. With such a simple act, we return our stories to ourselves."

Brian Andreas

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Untitled

by Judi P.

She was exhausted with the effort.

that part of herself that was once her self

had somehow disappeared.

So she pretended, and smiled, and tried to attend,

but it was difficult

because the part of herself

that remembered her self

was screaming.

And she could no longer hear

anything but the deafening sound of the scream. Aaahhh.